My Spouse Says That Marriage Doesn’t Mean Anything
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are in a situation where they are literally fighting for their marriage. This is not an easy task even when you have a spouse who honors the commitment of your marriage. But not all wives are this lucky. Some have husbands who just don’t think that the institution of marriage is all that important. Many see it as an outdated social norm and this poses unique challenges for those wives who are trying to cling to their marriage.
One might say, “my husband wants to separate. He keeps giving me two or three syllable reasons for this: like he just isn’t happy; he just wants to see how he feels alone; and he thinks that we need to pause things for now. I have asked him what all this means for our marriage and he says that he doesn’t know. He says that if our marriage ultimately has to end, then maybe that is for the best. I get frustrated when he speaks of our marriage as if it is just something that can be thrown away. Don’t people honor their commitments anymore? I’ve seen so many friends and co-workers just walk away from their marriage without even giving it a fair chance. When I make these types of comments to my husband, his response is something like, ‘marriage is a piece of paper. If you are not happy in it, you can’t be asked to be miserable for the rest of your life. Marriage doesn’t mean anything without contentment.’ This is very hurtful because I’m not 100% content right now, either. But I would never want to end my marriage. I signed on for life. I agreed to take the good with the bad. I feel exactly the opposite as my husband because in truth marriage means everything to me. That’s true even when things are not going well. But apparently my husband does not feel the same and I’m unsure as to how I can work around that. How do you get someone to value something that they claim means nothing?”
I know firsthand that this is a difficult situation. I had a similar experience and I feel exactly the same way that the wife in this example does: I believe that, good or bad, marriage is forever because it is a commitment that two willing people entered into, knowing full well that positive and negative times were ahead. Because of this, when they back away from that commitment, it just isn’t right. I also know that your first inclination is often to try to talk your spouse into changing his view about the meaning of marriage. This is what I initially attempted and it backfired. I tried to attack my husband’s integrity and I insinuated that anyone who would turn their back on commitment is lacking in morals and honor. Needless to stay, my husband did not take this well.
Understanding How Your Husband May Be Viewing This: It took me way too long to understand that, essentially, I was asking my husband to continue to support an institution that he associated with his recent unhappiness. So, in his mind, what I was saying was something like this, “I don’t care if you are unhappy or not. I want you to continue on with things just as they are because you made this forever commitment to me. Therefore, you will suffer in this marriage endlessly.” Of course, this is not going to sound appealing to anyone. Understandably, my husband was resistant.
Knowing How To Switch Your Focus: It finally dawned on me that if I was going to make my husband honor his commitment to our marriage and see that marriage was more than just a piece of paper, I was going to need to make my marriage a new and improved version of itself so that it would be a place where my husband actually wanted to reside. I couldn’t ask him to make a forever commitment to an institution that had become a disappointment. So, instead of attacking his character or continuing to beg him to honor his commitment, I tried to set up the circumstances so that he’d actually WANT to be married to me. This meant taking the focus off the commitment aspect of our marriage and placing it on the improvements that could be made – to both our marriage and to myself.
In order to do this, I had to move at a slower pace and I had to give my husband some of that space he wanted. This was extremely difficult for me. It went against everything that I wanted at the time. But it had become clear to me that I really had no choice. My previous strategy was only making things worse. If my marriage stood any chance at all, I had to try something new. Thankfully, it worked. We made gradual progress and we eventually reconciled.
I do believe that my husband sees marriage differently today. I do believe that it means something to him and that he is committed. But I do not believe that he felt this way during our separation because, in his eyes, our marriage had become something in which he could no longer believe. So in order to get him to honor that commitment again, I had to give him a new version of our marriage in which he could wholeheartedly believe. You can read more about how I was able to accomplish this here: http://isavedmymarriage.com
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