My Spouse Only Wants Contact By Phone During Our Trial Separation. How Do I Handle This?
By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives find that their husband is trying to keep them at a far distance during their trial separation. The wife may have hoped that the separation would make things better. But when she finds her husband being resistant to her, it can cause her to wonder if her marriage even stands a chance.
A comment that I might hear in this situation is an example like: “I’m not the one who wanted the separation. My husband was. I resisted for a long time. But eventually, he made it pretty clear that if I didn’t agree to the separation, he’d have no choice but to pursue a divorce. So I reluctantly agreed, but only after he assured me that he would stay in close contact and that we would still see each other and keep in regular face to face communication. Well, part of this is true. He does call me regularly. But every time I mention coming by or the two of us getting together, my husband balks at this. He says that he needs more time and that he is not ready for that yet. Part of me is considering just showing up at his apartment and hoping that he will let me in, but another part of me is afraid that he’s discouraging the face to face contact because he is seeing someone else. I’m grateful to be communicating by phone, but I need more than this. How can I get him to see me face to face? I want personal contact. He’s my husband. I shouldn’t have to communicate with him by phone only.”
I agree with this wife that the phone contact isn’t the ideal. And I absolutely understand why she wanted and needed more. But I also know, by my own experience, that sometimes you have to settle for what you can easily obtain while you are setting the groundwork to obtain more. Because if you push too hard too soon, you might put yourself in a situation where your husband starts to taper off (or even end) the phone contact. That is the last thing that you want. Once he stops the phone contact, you might have an extremely difficult time re-establishing any contact at all without appearing too desperate.
Try Building Upon What You Already Have First: I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s my opinion and experience that you are often better off gradually building upon what you already have. What I mean by this is that the best idea, at least in my opinion, is to continue on with the phone conversations with enough enthusiasm that they become more and more frequent and more and more pleasurable for both of you. Because if you can set it up to where you’re both laughing and looking forward to your phone conversations, then the next logical step would be to meet. And in this way, you haven’t applied any pressure. You haven’t laid on any guilt. And your husband has very willingly and very naturally moved forward.
This is so much better than just showing up at his apartment one day and being rejected or risking him pulling back from you. It’s best if he is a willing participant in every bit of the process. You don’t want to force anything on him and face rejection.
The “Coincidental” Meeting Strategy: Another option would be to run into him at a time where you know where he is going to be and to make it look like a coincidence. However, because this strategy runs a high risk of not actually being believable, I believe that it should be a last resort. I believe it’s best to try to build on the phone conversations in a very natural way before you resort to the “accidental meeting” strategy. Many husbands will see right through this. They will doubt that you just happened to be at the same place at the same time. And as a result, they may start to avoid you.
I know that you want more than phone conversations. But know that if you play this correctly and you move gradually, this phase of your separation won’t last forever. As you resist applying pressure and as things continue to improve between you, then it’s probable that he will just naturally want to see you face to face after a little while.
Unfortunately, in my own situation I didn’t follow this advice. I took to just showing up places and this infuriated my husband so much that it almost caused a divorce. I had to do about complete about-face and regroup in order to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com
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