Leslie Cane Articles

Many newly separated wives find themselves bitterly alone. Understandably, these wives feel a profound sense of loss. Some had a warning that their husband would leave. Others did not. Regardless of whether you were able to brace yourself, having your spouse leave can be unsettling and devastating. I remember those dark days very well. It can feel excruciating to even carry out basic tasks. I know that I am not alone in these feelings. Most separated wives experience them. However, we often wonder if our husbands are also experiencing such unease.

A wife might ask, “Do husbands grieve after they leave their wives or walk out on their marriages? I feel like I have lost something precious. I am openly grieving. However, when I speak with my husband, he seems resigned, but otherwise fine. Is he hiding his true feelings from me? Or is he just happy and relieved to have left our home? Is it wishful thinking to believe that husbands grieve upon leaving?”

I don’t believe so. I believe that men experience a variety of feelings after leaving. Grief is one possible scenario. My husband was very tight-lipped about what he felt during own separation. However, once we reconciled, he admitted that he’d struggled emotionally at times. But he also stressed that he’d felt some relief at having distance from the volatility of our up and down marriage.

Why Men Don’t Share Their Feelings Initially: I was extremely frustrated by my husband’s insistence on keeping his feelings private. It felt like he was hiding something from me. I wondered if he was being insincere. I worried that his need for privacy meant that he was ecstatic to be rid of me but too considerate to say so. Over time, I’ve come to believe that separated men aren’t completely sure of their fluctuating and conflicting feelings. So they don’t share. Any information that they could offer would be confusing anyway. Why add to what you are already going through by giving you vague information? Many men figure that it is better to wait until their feelings stabilize before they attempt to share them.

Why Men Likely Grieve During A Separation: It’s very easy to allow your mind to jump to hopeless places during a separation. It’s normal to expect the worst. But, why wouldn’t our husbands grieve? Like us, their lives have changed dramatically. One minute they are sharing a marital home and the next minute they are all alone – exactly as we are. Like us, they are dealing with the silence of solitude. Like us, they are juggling uncertainty and the strangeness of a new, foreign situation. None of this is fun. Additionally, it is very normal for them to second guess their decision to walk out. They may worry that they have made a grave mistake for which you will never forgive them. They may feel guilty if they feel momentary relief. Like you, they may fear the uncertainty of the future. These circumstances would make anyone experience grief. What would be abnormal is if they didn’t feel it.

Tips For Dealing With The Grief: When you are separated, it makes sense to feel as if you have lost vital pieces of yourself. You have lost both your housemate and your soulmate, at least for right now. That loss understandably leads to the worry that you may lose your marriage and even life as you knew it. These are big changes that anyone would grieve. That said, no one knows what the future holds. Many couples (myself included) reconcile. The separation ends. The couples learn how to strengthen their marriages and work through their conflicts. Many realize how lucky they are to have the spouse who they now vow to never take for granted again.

In this way, the separation becomes a positive influence. So yes, grieve and take comfort in the fact that your husband is likely also grieving – even if he doesn’t realize it or isn’t showing it. But don’t let your grief stop you from taking the action that might turn things around. Don’t let it stop you from living your fullest life.

I learned to allow myself to deeply feel my grief. However, I must admit that this process eventually led me to ruminate. I got stuck always dwelling on the negative. Eventually, I trained myself not to wallow. Be careful that your grief doesn’t turn into a habit because my wallowing was a huge turn off for my husband. If I had continued down that path, I might be divorced today. Grief is normal and should not be denied. But do not get lost in it. Use it to propel you forward. Not to keep you stuck.

If it helps, you are welcome to read about how I turned my own separation around at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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