Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It really hurts when you know that your spouse isn’t particularly happy being married to you.  It’s devastating when you know that there is something about you that makes him unhappy in general.  This is compounded even further when he acts on that unhappiness and makes an attempt to change you. It can make you feel rejected.  It can make you feel as if you’re not good enough.  And, if your marriage is still important to you, it can make you wonder if change is even possible.

Someone might lament: “my husband has made it very clear that he is disappointed in me.  When we met, he loved that I was a bit wild and carefree.  I liked that aspect of myself also.  But now that I have children, I can’t even imagine living that lifestyle anymore.  I have matured.  I have responsibilities now.  It would not be appropriate to act that way right now.  He also constantly tells me that he misses the sexy person I used to me.  Well, I’m really sorry about that, but it’s hard to be sexy when you’re exhausted and have had kids hanging on you all day.  I feel that his wishes are unrealistic and selfish.  Yet, that doesn’t stop him from trying to change me every chance he gets.  He will come home with lingerie.  He will tell me his friend and his wife went skydiving or took a trip at the last minute.  His stories and actions are basically saying ‘look honey, all of our friends live this exciting life and we don’t.’  Sometimes, he seems very resentful, like I pulled a bait and switch on him or something.  It hurts me.  Because in truth, I like the person I have become more than my younger self.  Part of life is maturing and growing up.  And I have done that.  But it is like he wants me to regress just to make him happy.  I love my husband.  I want my marriage.  I never want my children to grow up in a broken household. But I have no intention of changing who I am. How do I get him to stop this?”

Knowing The Difference Between The Possible And The Impossible: I’m sorry that this is happening.  I know that it is hurtful.  And I also think that the way that your husband is going about this isn’t all that effective.  Because when it feels like a criticism, it’s normal to feel defensive and to actually resist the change that your husband wants.

Also, it rarely goes well when one spouse attempts to change the core of who the other truly is.  I sometimes hear from introverts whose spouse wants an extravert or creative folks whose spouse complains that they aren’t more analytical.

To me, this is like saying you wish that your children had blue eyes or were left handed.  There is nothing that you can do to change how they came into the world.  Your core personality and comfort level have been there since birth.  Asking you to change it is unrealistic and potentially damaging.

With that said, although I do not believe that it’s feasible to change who you are, I DO believe that you can change your habits and actions, at least somewhat.  For example, even introverted people can put themselves out there sometimes when it is necessary.  Even creative people can put on their analytic hat when it benefits their family.

What He May Really Mean: Sometimes, when a spouse says things to indicate that he misses your younger, more reckless self, he doesn’t necessarily expect you to act like a teenager.  What he is saying to you is that he misses the feeling of excitement that you used to share in the beginning of your relationship.  That can be fixed.  You can try to incorporate excitement and impulsiveness into your every day life without acting like you are twenty.  You can be more spontaneous and receptive in the bedroom just by allowing yourself to “go there” in the comfort of your own home.

Yes, it does require you to step outside of your comfort zone and this is scary.  But often, if you just take a deep breath and try something new, you may find that you too are energized by it.

Of course, you don’t want to do something that makes you horribly uncomfortable. Because you probably wouldn’t pull it off effectively anyway.  That’s like trying to wear someone else’s clothing. But most of us can step out of your comfort zone with success.  And the more you do this, the more comfortable you become.

Once your spouse sees you making this effort, he will likely back off on the talk that sounds critical and personal.  You might even get some praise thrown in there.  So you will both be getting your needs met.  And you will both be happier.  You’ll still have your marriage. And your kids will still have both parents. And at your core, you haven’t changed at all.

You’re still a responsible mother who puts her family first.  You’ve just changed a few behaviors and habits to add some spice.  But who you are remains the same.

I know this topic well because my husband and I are polar opposites.  I am bookish and quiet.  He’s very much a risk taker.  This has created conflict at times (and we were separated for a time,) but I’ve learned to flip it and make it work.  Sometimes, I take on more of his habits.  And sometimes, he takes on more of mine.  But it is constant compromise that requires neither of us to change who were the second we were born. There’s more of this saga on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin