My Spouse Is Very Critical And Judgmental Of My Family
By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for two spouses to discuss members of their extended family when they are alone together. They say these things in confidence, knowing that it is only between the two of them. These kinds of “us against them” conversations can be one of the things that helps keep a couple close. But what happens when these discussions turn hurtful? Especially when it involves critical comments about one spouse’s family? And what if the comments seem unfair or judgmental?
A wife might say: “I will admit that my family is very different from myself. I was the first person in my family to go to college. I admit that my parents and siblings live pay check to pay check. They still do not own their own home. They have really bad habits, like smoking, getting into fights sometimes, and going into debt. I myself would never do many of the things that they do. But I try not to judge them too harshly because I firmly believe that they did the best that they could at the time with what they had. A lack of education and resources really isn’t their fault. I’ve tried to help them and they are resistant. They seem perfectly happy to stay the way they are, so I just try to enjoy being with them without making judgements. My husband, on the other hand, can’t seem to do this. He will make sarcastic comments behind their backs. He will say that he doesn’t want to leave our kids alone with them because they set a bad example. Honestly, some of the things that he says are reasonable and true. But other times, it feels like he is just overly critical of my family. And I feel like this is a reflection on me. How can I get him to understand what he is doing and why it must stop? When I talk to him about this, he acts like he doesn’t understand and says that he’s not talking about or being critical of me personally.”
It’s likely that your husband does not understand that hearing him talk poorly of your family makes you feel like it is also a criticism of you. But I completely understand it. Since you are a product of that environment and that upbringing, when he is openly judgmental of the same, it feels as if he is rejecting or judging you. Or it feels like, deep down, he thinks that you are a little inferior also. And this hurts.
I understand what you are feeling. And I do not think that you are overreaching. I have heard specialists talk about this dynamic. It happens all of the time to children of divorce. When the two parents are bad mouthing one another in front of the kids, the parents do not understand why the kids find the conversation so upsetting since no one is talking about the children themselves. The reason is that when someone criticizes part of what makes us whole, then it sounds critical of us. When a parent says “your father is a no good loser,” then of course you’re going to feel badly because half of your DNA comes from that “no good loser.”
The same is true of your extended family. If your husband was to say: “I can’t believe your parents are still renting. Are they too stupid to understand building equity is part of being adults?” then it’s understandable that you would feel a bit less than when you are the product of those parents. You might wonder if he thinks that you are at least a little stupid also.
However, with this said, this doesn’t mean that your husband is a bad guy. He just may not understand why this hurts you. So, consider trying something like: “I know that we’ve talked about this before, but maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of expressing myself. And I’d like to do that now. When you’re critical of my parents and my family, it hurts me deeply. I know that I’ve been critical too, but I’m going to stop that. Because putting them down feels like I’m being put down too. This may not make sense to you, but trust me on this. You don’t come from the same background. And while I’m proud of my accomplishments, I can’t deny that this is my family. This is where I come from. And when you knock that, it feels like you are knocking me. So I am asking you to not be so critical anymore because when you do, it hurts me, whether this makes sense to you or not. I’m asking you to do this because I know that you love me and that you don’t want to do anything to hurt me.”
This will make sense to most people and I’d suspect that your happiness is more important to your husband than being able to express any negative opinions that he might have. Hold up your end of the bargain and don’t participate in your own criticisms. And know that you may have to remind him a couple of times because old habits can take some time to break.
As I alluded to, your husband probably isn’t intentionally being cruel or trying to hurt you. He likely doesn’t understand why this upsets you in the way that he does. It’s important to be clear about this. I learned this the hard way in my own marriage. I used to assume that my husband should just know what upset me and vice versa. These incorrect assumptions lead to a separation. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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