Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from spouses who are very upset that not only have they lost access to their spouse during a trial or marital separation, but they feel as if their family has also lost this important access. Sometimes, it is the children who are feeling the distance, but it can also be felt by other members of the family.

Common comments are things like this: “I didn’t want the separation but my husband has insisted on it for so long that I really didn’t have a choice. I had hoped that the separation would make him miss me so that we would eventually become closer. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to miss me at all. In fact, it’s as if he can’t stay far enough away from home. We do talk on the phone occasionally but he never seems to want to come by so that we can meet face to face. What’s even worse is that he has not made himself available to our kids or to our families. My dad and my husband have always been very close. My dad has been calling my husband to ask him out to lunch or to play golf, which are both things that they would commonly do together. But my husband has not returned my father’s calls. Nor has my husband made any effort to see our children. I called my husband’s parents the other day and they have not heard from him either. What is wrong with him? Why is he acting this way? It’s as if he doesn’t want anything to do with people who I know that he loves. How should I handle this?”

As upsetting as this is, it’s actually relatively common. The first thing that I would suggest is understanding why he might be distancing himself. After that, the resolution may look a little more clear.

Understand The Various Reasons That He May Be Distancing Himself: Many people assume that their spouse is acting like this because he plans to divorce them and he figures that he may as well just begin to cut the family out of his life now. This certainly isn’t always the case. Sometimes, he knows that there are going to be questions from the members of his family and he isn’t sure how to answer them. Also, he often knows that things are going to be very awkward and uncomfortable and he is trying to avoid these uneasy meetings. Finally, many people want to hold off on spending time with their loved ones until they have a definitive plan in mind.  It isn’t that they no longer love their families. It’s just that they don’t want to confuse and worry their families even more.

With that said, their families still need them, particularly their children. The separation is most certainly not the children’s fault and it’s not a problem that the children should worry about having to deal with. And, seeing and spending time with their father would probably reassure the children rather than upset them. That’s why I think that it is prudent to address this. I will suggest a way to do that right now.

 A Suggested Way To Address This: I would chose a time where there isn’t any fighting or controversy. You don’t want to sound accusatory or to make your husband defensive because both things make it less likely that he will comply with what you are asking him to do. Remember that your real goal is to get him interacting with the family again. Don’t bring the agenda of your marriage into it, at least for right now. You can address that later. But right now, the most important thing is getting him engaged with his children.

A suggested script is something like: “I need a few minutes to talk with you about something very important. The kids are really feeling the void right now. There are hurting and it would reassure them to see you and to spend some time with you. When would you have some time to make that happen? You could come and pick them up or, if you would prefer not to come here, I could meet you somewhere. The important thing is that they get to see and spend time with their father. This is necessary regardless of what happens between us. They need to know that you are always going to be their father and that you are always going to be involved in their lives no matter what. I know that you love them very much and that you haven’t intended to hurt them. But we need to get you all together so that no further damage is done. When can we make that happen?”

Notice that I didn’t bring up the extended family. I did this because the first course of action should really be the kids. Once he’s interacting with the kids again, then it would be appropriate to bring up the extended family. But the kids should be the first priority in every instance. Once that issue is worked out, you may just want to say something like: “can you call my dad when you get the chance? He’s mentioned that he’s having a hard time touching base with you.” Again, you don’t want to sound upset or accusatory. You just want to get your husband engaged with the family again. Because that will benefit everyone.

Also, be careful that he doesn’t think that you are using the family to get him engaged with you.  This is a very common mistake that I myself made when I was separated from my own husband.  In fact, I made many mistakes.  But after educating myself, I was able to reverse those mistakes and eventually save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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