My Spouse Is Happy To Only Coexist. But I Want More.
By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, I hear from spouses whose goal is to save their marriage. And, they are looking for a strategy that is going to help them make that happen. But occasionally, I hear from a spouse who is considering leaving the marriage and who is either looking for validation or who is looking for someone to offer them some alternatives.
A wife might say: “over the past three years, my marriage has deteriorated rapidly. When my husband and I were first married, we were crazy about one another. We would go on impromptu trips on a whim. We would try new restaurants on a weekly basis. Our lives were exciting and we were deeply in love. But since our children were born, things have changed. Don’t get me wrong. I love our family. But the spark has gone out of my marriage and this makes me very unhappy. My husband seems content to just coexist. When I tell him that I’m not happy about how things have changed, he tells me that my expectations are unrealistic and that things will return to the way they are once our kids are older. He says he doesn’t expect fireworks between us every night, but he loves me and that’s enough for him. This is not what I want to hear. I want more out of my life than just having dinner after a 9 to 5 job. And I’m starting to think that I would be willing to leave my husband to get it. But I don’t want to uproot my children and separate them from their father. What can I do? I’m just not happy.”
This correspondence struck a chord with me. I was on the other side of this scenario. My husband was the one who was unhappy with our comfortable marriage and I thought that everything was fine. The separation was shocking to me because I never thought my husband would take things that far. And although we did save our marriage eventually, that time period was very painful. I’ve often wished that my husband had approached me very bluntly and had given me a chance to change things before he pushed for a separation.
This wife was attempting to do just that. Her husband was resistant. But here is something that neither were really considering. Nothing says that they couldn’t both make some changes so that each could once again be happy. I’ve learned that only coexisting isn’t healthy for your marriage, even if you are settled and have children. Everyone has the right to live their best and happiest life. But I know first hand that it is possible to do this and to still remain married. I will discuss this more below.
Understand How Serious Of An Issue This Truly Is: As a spouse who has been in this husband’s position, I strongly suspected that he had been resistant to change because the wife’s assertions were hurtful to him so that he felt defensive. No wants to hear that your marriage is no longer rocking your spouse’s world. Or that your spouse is so unhappy that they are getting restless. So it’s natural to try to make them think that they are asking too much of you or of the marriage.
But I can tell you from experience that at the time, what you don’t understand is that your spouse might not be content with your response. Their unhappiness might begin to eat away at them until they feel compelled to make some change which might include a break, a separation, or a divorce. So it’s very important that both spouses take this seriously.
To that end, I felt that it would be helpful for the wife to make it very clear how much this was bothering her. A suggested script might be something like: “I know that you’re saying that you are happy enough with the way things are. But I think we both deserve more than merely happy enough. I want to keep our family intact and I want for both of us to be more than merely content. In fact, I can’t accept any less. Can we work together to find a way to make us both happy and comfortable? Because as of right now, only one of us is.”
This lets your spouse know that you are trying to include them in the process and that you truly want to keep your family together, but you’ve also made it clear that you can’t do this at the expense of your own happiness.
Find Ways To Change Your Happiness Level That You Can Both Be Enthusiastic About: It’s important that your spouse feels included in this process. You don’t want for them to feel attacked. And, what you really want is to establish more fun and spontaneity in your marriage. This will be easier (and more effective) if you can include activities that are going to be considered fun for both of you. It’s a safe bet that you know your spouse well enough to know what types of activities are going to be considered pleasurable to them. And you also know what you feel that you are lacking. So the key is compromise. You might agree that each weekend, you will hire a trusted sitter and plan an impromptu weekend that you will both enjoy. You might commit to alone couple time at set times when you put the kids to bed early. You might take turns planning dates so that things feel more spontaneous and adventurous. The key is to find the place where you are both happy and where no one feels that they are being taken advantage of or asked to give too much. Because when this is done correctly, it feels effortless and it feels fun.
I was able to validate this wife’s right to be happy, but I could also reassure her that this wasn’t an issue that couldn’t be overcome. It’s very common and it doesn’t mean that your marriage is over or has reached the point of no return. It doesn’t mean that you no longer love your spouse or have outgrown them. It just means that you both have some work to do.
As I alluded to, I wish that I would have taken my husband more seriously when he told me that he wasn’t happy. We eventually separated and almost divorced. By the time I got serious about making changes to my marriage, I had a lot of catching up to do. But, eventually I was successful and we are still together today. If it helps, you can read our story of reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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