Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for me to hear from people who are fully aware that they have a wonderful spouse whom many other people would consider a “catch.”

While it’s a common perception that most people who aren’t happy in their marriage are dealing with a spouse who is lacking in some way, this just isn’t always the case. I can’t tell you how much correspondence I get from people who tell me that their dissatisfaction with their marriage is not their spouse’s fault. In fact, many of them will defend their spouse and outline just how wonderful their spouse really is. Despite this though, they have to admit that they just aren’t happy. And they aren’t sure how to handle it.

You might hear this situation demonstrated this way: “honestly, all of the my girlfriends are jealous of my marriage. My husband is the sweetest man imaginable. He cooks. He leaves me sweet love letters. He is always complimenting me. He is so thoughtful. I hear many of my coworkers complain about husbands who are slobs and who don’t make any effort in their marriage. But my husband is just the opposite. He can’t do enough for me. He is always on high alert as to my feelings and what he can do to help me. Most of my girlfriends say they would give anything if their own husbands were just a fraction of the husband that mine is. And I know that they are right. I can’t think of anything bad to list about my husband because there isn’t anything. One time, I told my mother that my husband was ‘too nice’ and she acted like I was the most evil person imaginable. She told me that I was very ungrateful and that if I was not careful, my husband would find another woman that was more appreciative of him. The thing is, I am fully aware that my mother is right. My husband is absolutely great. But, I can’t deny that I am not happy. I’m just not. There’s just something missing. When I am being very honest with myself, I think that maybe we should separate for a while. But maybe that is crazy talk. Who would risk giving up a spouse like this?”

Getting Perspective: First of all, I want to stress that whatever feelings you have are valid. Even if you don’t feel safe or justified in sharing them for the fear that they are going to sound silly, give yourself permission to feel them and acknowledge them in the privacy of your own thoughts. You can’t fix something if you can’t be honest about it. That doesn’t mean that you have to announce the same to anyone else. But admitting it to yourself is the first step toward getting some relief.

Next, I have to tell you that although I suspect that you have heard what I have to say before, I still feel compelled to say it. Please bear with me. I get so much correspondence from people who tell me that their spouse is cruel, insensitive, and uncaring. I hear from so many people who say that their spouse all but ignores them, doesn’t show them any affection, or offer them any regular consideration.

I have people tell me that their spouse makes them feel invisible and not appreciated. I am not telling you this to imply that you don’t have any problems. If you are not happy, then clearly, you do. But I do want to give you some perspective. Couples who treat each other poorly have so much more work to do. Couples who already treat one another with mutual respect and care usually just have a little tweaking to do.

Looking Inside: I will admit that I’m not a counselor. However, when people indicate that they aren’t happy with their marriage and then recount a loving spouse, then I ask myself if they don’t have another stressor in their life that hasn’t yet been identified.

Many of us project our stress, disappointments, boredom, and general unhappiness onto our marriage or our spouse. I actually catch myself doing this quite a bit. If I am stuck with a work project or there is something that I’m just missing but I can’t quite grasp it, you can bet that I’m going to be short tempered with just about every one who I care about.

During work troubles, I find things about perfectly wonderful people that just annoy me.  My work frustrations have nothing to do with them. And at the time, I can’t see what I’m doing. But when that puzzle at work comes together, guess what? Suddenly all is right with my loved on or with my relationship once again.

Before you do something drastic, it might make sense to ask yourself if there is any area of your life where you could be projecting your own frustrations.  It’s important to understand that your happiness truly is your own responsibility. Yes, your spouse can enhance it and share it. But if you are unhappy within yourself, then the best spouse in the world is not going to give you happiness.

Feel Safe To Be Honest: Finally, the wife here mentioned that she thought her husband was too nice, but she backed off of that thought because she didn’t want to be ungrateful. This might be something worth exploring. You can’t change who your spouse is and you shouldn’t try. But you can change some of your circumstances and day to day interactions in order to bring out more assertiveness in your husband. And when he shows you some of these behaviors, make sure he knows that this is a turn on to you. Because once he sees some positive reinforcement for assertiveness, he will find more opportunities to assert himself.

Honestly, I believe my husband felt the same thoughts toward me before our separation.  He stressed that I was a wonderful spouse and that he loved me.  But there was something missing.  We separated and we both worked on ourselves.  And we both found that we were doing a lot of projecting. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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