Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are deeply afraid that their unhappy spouse is going to leave them. Often, he has made comments to that effect and it has just become obvious that he is not invested in the marriage anymore. This is usually sad news to the spouse who still wants to save the marriage. They are not sure what to do. But they often feel as there is something horrible and inevitable approaching in the future. And this sense of dread and fear can make them wonder if they should leave their spouse before he can leave them – as kind of a preemptive strike.

Someone might explain: “for the past three months, my husband has been very honest about the fact that he isn’t sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He says he just feels that we have drifted apart and that we are no longer bringing out the best in one another. I agree with the drifting apart stuff, but I do not think that our marriage is dysfunctional in the least. I think we’ve just hit a patch where we became complacent in our marriage and I believe that it could be fixed. However, my husband is not sure that he agrees. I actually heard him on the phone with his brother and he was saying that he might come to visit. To me, this says that he is thinking about leaving me. I was talking to my own sister about this and she said that in her opinion, my husband has not been happy in a long time. She said that if she were me, she would leave him before he can leave me. She said it would be less painful this way because it would make me feel as if I am in the one with the control and that I am the one who is doing to rejecting. It is hard for me to wrap my head around leaving my husband. This is something that, never in my wildest dreams, would I ever envision. It makes me very sad. Is it a good idea to leave your spouse before he can leave you?”

This is probably a decision best made by you. I can tell you my opinion. But I can’t and won’t focus on legalities because I’m certainly not a lawyer or legal expert. I’m not a mental health expert either, but I do have opinions based on going through this sort of situation myself.

Make Sure That You Are Not Reacting To Fear Of The Unknown: I believe that many people in this situation react to anxiety and fear. The idea is that you are going to hurt him before he hurts you. This reminds me of an instance when I was flipping around the channels and the “Kelly And Michael Show” was on. They were to interview the president of the United States the next day. They were discussing their nervousness about the interview and Kelly misspoke. She joked that if someone in the White House were watching, they would likely change their minds about the interview and cancel. Then she said to the producer “why don’t we break up with them before they can break up with us?”

She was totally joking. It was a statement meant to lighten the load. But I remembered this because it struck a chord with me. I think it’s very common in relationships for people to be tempted to bail in order to attempt to save themselves from pain. However, I believe that what they do not consider is that even when you are the one to take control and to take the initiative and leave, it still hurts – quite badly in fact. Essentially, you are still feeling the pain and then you’re bringing on the outcome that you admitted from the very start that you did not want to happen. In other words, you took yourself out of the race before you even had the chance to lace up your shoes and run the race.

Now, there are some situations where your spirit is being damaged by staying. Perhaps your spouse is emotionally or physically abusive. This is a very specific situation and my opinions on this would be different. In this case however, the couple had just grown apart. No one was hurting the other. The relationship had just deteriorated. And the wife believed that things could be turned around.

There Is Much That You Can Change On Your Own: In the case of growing apart, it seems to me it would make sense to at least stick it out and try to change things. People often believe that they need their spouse’s full cooperation in order to save their marriage. And when they don’t get that same cooperation, they assume that their marriage is over and there is nothing that they alone can do to save it. I have found this assumption to be untrue. It’s my experience that sometimes, changing your approach and making small changes with your own actions will eventually inspire your spouse to get with the program.

And I think that in many cases, it is worth it to try this. What do you have to lose? He may leave eventually – I suppose. But before he does, maybe you could try to, at least on your end, pay attention to ways that you might bring back the connection. Because at least this strategy gives you a chance. Walking away before he leaves you may well make you feel empowered momentarily. But then you may realize that the price of that empowerment was letting your husband go – which you’ve already admitted you don’t really want.

When my husband and I were separated, I briefly thought about filing for divorce first.  But I could never bring myself to do it.  And I’m glad I didn’t because we later reconciled.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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