Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have heard their spouse accuse them of having an unequal relationship. Often, one spouse is accusing the other of not having the same type of feelings as they themselves have. It’s almost as if the spouse making the accusations is keeping score and no matter what the other says, the accusing spouse does not feel adequately loved. This can leave the spouse who is being accused of not loving their spouse adequately feeling as if they can not win.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband is telling me that I don’t love him enough. He’s telling me that he loves me more than I love him. He says that when he goes to kiss me or show me affection, he sees me literally turn away. He says that when we make love, he doesn’t think that I am having a physical reaction. He says that he doesn’t think that I am physically attracted to him. I am not completely surprised about this. For years, he has been trying to get me to show more affection to him, especially in public and around other couples. I have to say that I’m not a very demonstrative person. I’m very introverted and I am uncomfortable with public displays of affection. I’m not the type of person who is going to shower anyone with kisses. I will admit that I had a very passionate relationship in college with a man who I loved so much that I almost lost control of myself. In that relationship, I could not show enough affection to this man, but the relationship was not a healthy one. And I have never been the same way with anyone else because of that relationship. I have matured now and I think my husband and I have a mature love. I do love him. I honestly do. But I don’t feel the need to act like a teenager and it makes me a little angry and put out that he asks this of me. How insecure do you have to be in order to try to guilt or shame your spouse into giving more than they are comfortable with? It’s getting to the point where I’m considering ending my marriage. Because no matter how much I reassure my husband that I truly do love him, it’s never enough. It’s like a cup that can never be filled up. And I don’t find this type of neediness attractive. He’s too insecure and I hate dealing with this. How can I make him believe that I do love him? Even though I don’t show my affection as much as he does, this doesn’t mean that I don’t love him as much as he loves me. And why the need to keep score anyway?”

This isn’t an uncommon situation, but it’s probably not one that can’t be overcome. This is like any situation where the spouses disagree. You have to find a compromise, but what is more important than that is finding a compromise with which you can both be happy. If one spouse feels that they have been asked to give too much, then there is going to be resentment and you can’t give freely. But if you feel that you are getting more than you’re giving, then you are much more likely to willingly give what might make your spouse happier. Now, I’ll offer some suggestions about how you might negotiate this issue.

Ask For Specifics: I suspect that one of the major frustrations that the wife had was that this husband was talking about his unhappiness in generalities. He could tell her vaguely that he wanted for her to show him more affection, but she needed to know, quite specifically, how he expects for this to look or to be carried out. Did he mean that he wanted for her to hug and kiss him spontaneously more often when they were in public? Or would he be happy if she was more loving and enthusiastic in the privacy of their own home? Because often, it’s not really the displays that he is concerned with, even if this is what he claims.

What he generally feels that he is missing is the feeling of acceptance, of desire, and of appreciation. You don’t necessarily have to make a spectacle of yourself in public in order to accomplish this. It might just be small adjustments that would make him happy.

Obviously, this wife really did love her husband and somehow that was getting lost in the translation. So perhaps it was time to have a very open and honest discussion about this. She might say something like: “in a way, it hurts and confuses me that you don’t feel as if I love you as much as you love me. I can assure you that I love you so much. I know that I am not the most demonstrative person, but I do want for you to know that I love you. And I’m wondering what specifically you need from me in order to feel more loved and appreciated. I’m more than willing to work with you to put some behaviors in place that are going to make you feel better. I don’t want for you to feel any doubt about my love for you. At the same time, I don’t want to get in a situation where I’m trying very hard to make progress and you’re not feeling any effort because what I’m doing isn’t working. So, can we talk about what exactly you need from me? That way, I’ll know that whatever I do is actually going to work.”

Allow your husband to answer without interrupting. If you read between the lines, you will often be able to determine what he really wants. It’s likely that he just wants to feel validated. And he will need to give you more information in order for you to be able to effectively accomplish this. But, frankly, it is often worth the effort. When two people love each other like these two obviously did, there was reason to have hope that they could find a workable compromise.

I wish I had paid more attention when my husband told me that he didn’t feel appreciated enough.  I thought that he was being too needy and I just hoped that the whole thing would work itself out.  This almost costs me my marriage.  I had to look at it from a completely different angle in order to fix it. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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