Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse agrees to allow you to try to save your marriage, you may feel as if you’ve just scored a major victory.  It may seem as if all you have to do is to get down to work to find the right strategy and eventually your marriage will be saved.  Unfortunately, this scenario assumes that you have a receptive and willing partner.  And that is just not always the case.  Sometimes, your husband will claim that he will cooperate or will at least listen.  But when you attempt to do things to improve or save your marriage, he will almost belittle or undermine you.

Someone might explain: “five months ago, my husband told me that he wanted a separation or divorce.  I was somewhat stunned.  I knew that things were rocky between us, but I never anticipated throwing in the towel or giving up. And that is why I literally begged him – over the course of several weeks – to allow me to attempt to save our marriage.   I told him that I would do most of the heavy lifting. At first he flat out told me no.  Then he told me that while he appreciated what I was trying to do, he felt that he thought that it would all be a waste of time.  I asked him what was the harm in letting me try. He finally relented and agreed to stay for another four weeks or so.  But it was pretty obvious that he didn’t hold out much hope.  Still, I didn’t expect him to sabotage and ridicule me in the way that he is.  I tried to start out by doing easy things.  I paid a lot of attention to my appearance, but then my husband got annoyed that I bought new clothes and spent money on a makeover.  I’ve asked that we walk together after dinner to talk and he doesn’t say much during these walks.  After dinner last night, he sat down to watch TV and then he sarcastically said: ‘oh yeah, that’s right. I have to do walking marital counseling with Dr. Phil, I mean, my wife.’  He said it like he was cracking a joke, but the implication was mean spirited.  I told him that he certainly didn’t have to go.  His response was ‘I told you that I would give you four weeks and I will.  But I don’t feel as if we are making progress.’  This is so depressing.  And I’m not sure that we are going to make much progress if he continues to sabotage me like this.  It seems like he’s always waiting to make fun of me when I’m sincerely trying to help us.”

I very much understand your frustration.  But, from my own experience,  I think that it’s possible that you are trying to take on too many roles.  It can be very hard to come up with a plan and then implement it on yourself and on your husband.  Because you are too close to the situation.   It’s very hard to have this type of objectivity.  And when your spouse rejects what you’re doing, it’s very hard to not take it personally.

Putting Yourself In A New Role: If your spouse said he would give you four weeks, then you need to take full advantage of that time.  You need to make sure that the plan you’re trying has the highest chance of success.  That is why I strongly suggest either counseling or, if your spouse is resistant to that, then self help.  That way, when it’s time to take part in the exercises or concepts, your husband can’t really poke fun at you, since you are not the person behind the concepts.  You are just carrying them out.  If he thinks that the idea is stupid or funny, well, he’s not going to be laughing at you.   With this plan, you are only taking on one role – the role of a spouse trying something new, which is the same as your husband.  This allows you to feel as if you are in this together – which can’t happen if you are the one implementing the plan.

You can set the stage for this by saying something like: “I hear what you are saying, and maybe I overestimated my psychological abilities.  I’m certainly not a martial therapy expert, but I think that it’s time that we see one or at least get some resources written by one.  I know that you’ve said that you’d give me four weeks, so I want to make the most of that time.  Would you be willing to spend that time implementing suggestions from experts?  We don’t have to do anything that we both object to and we can certainly choose things that align with our personalities and comfort levels.  But I can tell by your reaction that my trying to do this on my own isn’t working.  So can we get some outside help?”

If he balks, do your research and find a counselor or self help and present that to him so that he feels that he has a choice.  The idea is to get him to listen to someone else, since he seems resistant to listening to you.  That way, you’re not always the bad guy or the one he’s laughing at.

I know that this is difficult, but try not to take this too personally.  It’s normal for couples to resist, laugh at, or lash out at their counselor.  And in this case, you are taking on the role of the counselor, which can be problematic.  If you can get someone else to take over that role, you might feel less resistance.  In the meantime, keep reminding yourself that you do have time (four weeks) and know that you don’t have to do everything at once.  It’s easier to make small, consistent gains than to attempt huge leaps that come all at once.  Take what he gives you and be very methodical in your approach. If it helps, you can read about how I eventually successfully approached my own separation (through luck, for some of it) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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