Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Every one knows that things change once you have children.  You may have thought that you knew what kind of parent your spouse would be.  But no one can really know for sure until they witness their spouse’s parenting style in real life.  Sometimes, parenting brings a couple closer together because they have similar parenting styles and are able to band together.  But other times, they have different parenting styles because of differing personalities or because of the different way that they were both raised.  This can cause conflict not only with your parenting, but also with your marriage.

One spouse might explain it this way: “our marriage is in real trouble for a reason that I consider very serious.  I do not like the way that my husband parents our children.  He is way too strict.  He is like a father from the 1950s or something.  He insist that my children do chores, only leave the table if they ask to be excused, and refer to every one as ma’am or sir.  I feel like my children are afraid to be themselves or are afraid to be silly and just have fun around my husband.  I think that they feel as if they have to be very serious all of the time.  They are completely different children when they are around me.  I am not completely without discipline, but if their father is late from work, I don’t see any harm in letting them eat dinner in front of the TV.  I will let them play with their toys without immediately picking everything up.  And I do not expect for young children to have impeccable manners.  It’s OK to be silly and to act their age. I have tried to joke around about this around my husband to try to lighten the mood.  I tell him that he needs to relax a little bit, but this seems to make him angry. And he says that he will not raise spoiled brats.  I realize that we had very different upbringings.  His parents were in the military and I guess you would call mine hippies. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that we would have these sorts of problems.  It is to the point where I am considering separating for the sake of my children.  Some of my friends say that I am overreaching but I am not so sure about that.  I worry about the effect of his long term parenting on my children. He has never laid a hand on them.  He doesn’t spank them.  But his very rigid demands are just too much.”

This is a very common problem, but it is one that can (when not addressed) ruin marriages. It can cause resentment and it can cause the spouses to feel as if they are being isolated, picked on, and misunderstood.  No one wants to be part of us “us versus him” mentality when you are talking about your spouse and about your children. This can make someone feel isolated and and as though they just can’t win.  Plus, often when you criticize their parenting, it can feel (at least to them) as though you are criticizing who they are and what they believe.  That is why you have to be careful about how you phrase things.  You must find a compromise, but you want to be careful of how you approach this.

And you also want to keep in mind that parents who have conflict and who can’t compromise to the point of constant tension might create an environment that is more harmful to the children than different styles of parenting.

Instead of insinuating that your parenting methods are right while his are wrong, you might want to try something like: “I’d like to talk to you about the kids because I know that we both love them more than anything and I am sure you share my concerns about their well being.  I worry that we are sending them mixed signals because our parenting styles are so different.  It is so important that we present a united front.  So I would like to sit down with you and see if we can agree on some of the ways that we can approach parenting as a united team.”

And this is where it can get tricky.  You have to think about which of your habits are most important to you and which you are willing to let him keep.  For example, perhaps you don’t mind your kids being asked to pick up their toys regularly, but it drives you crazy that he insists that they call every adult by a formal name.  Or, maybe it is not so much what he asks of your children, but the tone that he uses when he does it.  It’s very important that you determine what you can and can not live with and then be gentle but clear when you discuss this.

Because quite honestly, your husband is very likely modeling the same parenting that he grew up with, just like you are.  This does not make any one right or wrong.  It is just reality.  And it appears that your children have two loving parents who care enough to make the effort to parent them.  So now it just time to talk openly and negotiate a style that is comfortable for both of you.

This is important because if you say nothing, it’s pretty likely that things will get worse until you can’t take it anymore and you lash out.  It is better to approach this in a loving and controlled manner than to wait until it reaches a breaking point. I know this first hand.  My husband and I kept putting off the important discussions until things reached the point of almost no return.  We eventually separated for a while until we learned the art of compromise.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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