Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated husbands make it clear that they want real change in their wife or in their marriage before they return home. Understandably, many of these wives (myself included) are willing to do whatever it takes to make these necessary changes. Because isn’t this a small price to pay in order to get your marriage back? So, we make a good faith effort to accomplish whatever changes he deems are necessary. But many of us come to learn a universal truth – change can be very, very difficult. Even worse, convincing someone of authentic change can be even more challenging. Although you may think that you have changed, your husband may disagree and therefore put off coming home as a result.

A wife might say, “one of the biggest reasons that my husband and I separated was due to my anxiety and my spending. I admit that I have struggled with severe anxiety. Things got so bad that my husband felt that he was always walking on eggshells around me. To make myself feel better, I began spending and hiding it. Needless to say, this created even bigger problems. My husband initially moved to another room in our home and asked me to seek counseling and go on anti-anxiety medication because my anxiety was changing our lives. I did that and I tried the medication. I had a bad response and therefore pursued cognitive therapy. My husband still felt that my struggles were negatively affecting him, so he is staying with family for the time being. We still see one another all of the time. He still supports me financially and emotionally. But he is not living with me. I feel like the therapy is helping. But my husband does not. He says he will not come home because I have not kept my promise to treat my anxiety. I am trying, but things have not improved as much as he thinks is needed. How do I convince him that I am trying to keep my promise?”

My Honest Answer: I went through a similar situation and you may not like my answer, but here it is in all honesty – don’t push him to come home when he is resistant. It will only make things worse. (I know this from experience.) Instead, keep doing the work you are doing and keep remaining close to him. Keep being in constant contact with your husband. Have confidence that you will eventually get there – which means that your reconciliation will actually stick when the time is right. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. But this is what I was forced to do – and it was actually the right call. It allowed me to continue to work on myself and I was stronger when we did reconcile. Plus waiting allowed my husband to have the confidence that the timing was right. I wanted him to be absolutely sure once we reconciled and waiting ensured this.

Let Him See Your Progress: I would also give your husband the opportunity to go to sessions with you so that he can see you are putting in the effort. Find uplifting things that you can do together that give you a break from the anxiety. You don’t want for him to associate spending time with you with uptight situations. Try to take a break from that sometimes.

Trust that if you are under the care of a competent therapist, you should eventually show improvement. Trust that if you truly continuously work on yourself on your own time, you will get to where you want to be. Do whatever is necessary to help yourself make progress, even if it means stepping outside of your comfort zone.

Challenge Yourself To Show The Progress: When I was doing self-work, I truly did believe that I was stepping up to the proverbial plate. I was doing everything that was asked of me – or so I thought. Then a therapist asked me to keep a journal and to bring it with me. She showed me how to do “therapeutic journaling.”  This is basically initially keeping a regular journal but then reading what you write and challenging myself afterward. So while I would write that I was doing better, I would ask myself WHERE in my description was actual proof of this. Sometimes the proof was there. Other times, it was not. But training myself to always question actually multipled my results.

In terms of anxiety, you’d search your journal for proof that your anxiety was the same, worse, or better, then you would write what you could do right now, tonight and tomorrow to make it better. This forces you to take action and to question your limiting beliefs.  Plus, you are teaching yourself to look for the proof in your assumptions regarding your behavior.

If you haven’t tried therapeutic journaling yet, please do. It trains you to reach a little further even when you think that you already are.

This will show you how far you have come and will make you very self-aware of where you still have work to do. If you feel comfortable doing so, share these insights with your husband so that he will realize that you are absolutely making every effort to keep your promises.

I hope this helps.  I was eventually able to convince my husband that I had changed because I REALLY had.  I worked so hard to make it happen and I am happy to say that most of the changes stuck. I still do the journaling and I am still very self-aware so that I can make tweaks when needed.  There’s more about how I saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin