Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are trying very hard to gauge how their trial separation is going in terms of being able to save their marriage. They often look for things that they deem good or bad signs which they believe may ultimately have an impact on their marriage. One common example of this is frequent communication and physical meetings.

You might hear something like: “I’m very pleased that my separated spouse often calls me and visits. He isn’t overly loving to me when he does and these conversations and meetings can be a little awkward and cold but at least they are happening. They do give me hope that he still cares enough to check in and to come by. I told one of my coworkers about this and she cautioned me not to get my hopes up. She said that he’s probably just trying not to hurt my feelings and he knows that if he doesn’t call or come by, then I might show up at his place unannounced. So, she figures that perhaps his coming by is an attempt to control and limit our meetings. This certainly isn’t what I wanted to hear. I’d hoped that these things were a good sign. Are they? Or is it possible that he’s only calling or coming by out a sense of guilt, obligation, or a desire to control how much I’m trying to contact him?”

Of course, I didn’t know this husband and I couldn’t possible guess at his motivations, but generally speaking, I do believe that it’s a good sign when your spouse calls and comes by when you are separated. Frankly, I very often hear from people whose spouse is extremely distant and out of sight the second he moves out. Often, the spouse left at home (or the one who didn’t want the separation in the first place) is the one who is doing all of the calling and visiting. So when the spouse who moved out or initiated the separation is the one initiating the contact, then I always see that as a positive sign.

With this said, just having contact generally isn’t enough to save your marriage, especially if this contact is awkward and cold. But it’s certainly a good place to start and it gives you something to work with. The key is to turn brief and  cordial meetings into rebuilding your marriage. You will often need to accept gradual progress with this and you will have to very slowly lay a foundation. You have to be careful here. Because if your husband is already a bit reluctant, then coming on too strongly can actually cause him to pull back, making your job much harder in the end.

Make sure you make it obvious that you appreciate him reaching out to you, but don’t take it so far that he feels any pressure to behave a certain way. What you really want is for the communication to be light hearted and fun. You want for him to look forward to seeing you. In fact, what you really want is for it to go so well that he begins to increase the frequency of the meetings or calls and that they become less cold over time.

If you’ve taken things too far and you notice him begin to pull back or to not reach out as frequently, then try giving him more time. Often, if you give him some space, then he will resume calling or coming by once things don’t feel so pressured. You don’t want for him to feel as if he has to meet any unspoken quota or behave in alignment with any unwritten rules. You want for things to feel natural and fun between you.

So, instead of trying to second guess what this communication means or where this all might be going, instead try to focus on the quality of the communication and enjoy it. Make sure that he wants to repeat the process and that every meeting is just a little bit better than the last. Because this is way to keep it going and to make sure that it improves a little each time so that before you know it, you are on the path to improving (and hopefully saving) your marriage.

But to answer the question posed, I believe that his visiting and coming by is a good sign, especially if he continues on with it and you notice that the meetings are improving in quality. Frankly, some people may reach out because of guilt, at least initially. But this isn’t usually sustainable. If people are acting only out of guilt, then eventually the communications will taper off as the other spouse feels he’s succeeded in easing the other into the separation. That didn’t appear to be the case here, so in my humble opinion, there was plenty of reason to be hopeful, especially if the communications kept improving.

I had to use a very gradual approach when I saved my own marriage during our separation.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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