Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When we are the separated spouse who is still very invested in our marriage, we will often ask ourselves what we need to do in order to get our spouse to cooperate with us.  Most of us feel that ultimately, we will not be able to save our marriage on our own.  So, we have to find a way to make our spouse want the same things that we want. And in order to do that, we figure that we need to figure out what he most positively responds to.  Many of us have to try several things until we land on what we think is the golden marital ticket.

However, not all of us has a husband who is consistent. Unfortunately, one day our husbands may respond to the confident wife who isn’t dwelling on her problems, while the next day he may respond to the wife who breaks down because she misses him so much.  And, the next day he may not respond to us at all and proclaim that he wants and needs to be alone.  This can leave us wondering if he even knows what he wants at all. And it can make having a strategy much more difficult.

A wife might explain: “I knew the day that my separation started that my husband didn’t really know what or who he wanted because he told me this in plain English.  In fact, one of the major reasons for the separation was that he was not sure that he wanted to be married anymore.  He wasn’t sure what type of life he wanted to lead.  So I knew this going into it, but I figured that if I could craft a wife and a marriage that made him happier, then what he wanted might be more clear to him.  I have noticed that throughout our marriage, my husband seems to pursue me more when I am confident and a little aloof. So I slowly started to act this way and it seemed to be working.  I was willing to be patient and I slowly kept it up and we slowly seemed to be making some actual progress.  This was exciting.  But the other day, my husband commented that I was so strong and capable that I didn’t seem to need him.  He said a woman who doesn’t need a man perhaps is a woman who would be happier not being married.  Now, my husband knows that this just isn’t true.  I told him that I may appear to be coping, but I am hurting inside.  He told me that he highly doubted this.  So now I’m not sure what to do.  Now he seems turned off by my strong side.  But I fear that if I come off as weak, he will be equally turned off by this.  He doesn’t seem to know what he wants, so where does that leave me?”

This must be very confusing.  You probably already know this, but I would like to stress that him not knowing what he wants is not your fault.  And, if you keep changing who you appear to be, then he’s going to be less likely to believe you when you’re showing him the truth.

To me, it always makes sense to try to present the best, strongest version of yourself.  And by this I mean your true self.  Why? Because that is who your husband fell in love with in the first place.  And, this is the persona that is going to be the very easiest for you to pull off and it will also feel the most genuine.  This person is “real” to both of you because she is really and truly you.

The problem is that somewhere along the way, most of us have “lost” this wonderful woman.  Life gets in our way.  Stress weighs us down.  Day to day responsibilities can make it very hard for us to channel that playful, laughing, happy go lucky woman that both us and our husbands miss desperately.

That is why, as counterintuitive as it might seem, I encourage people to practice extreme self care when going through a separation.  It’s very easy to focus on the negative and to respond to fear.  It’s very common to grasp at the straws you think that your husband wants. But I strongly believe that your marriage will very often benefit from you grasping only at the straws that you legitimately want also.  When you are your true self and you are in tune with authenticity, you come from a place of strength.  And people – men, women, and children alike – respond to this.  Confidence is easier in this situation because what you are projecting is real. And most people find confidence very attractive.

Plus, do you really want to project someone who is coming from a place of weakness if that is not who you are?  Sure, we all struggle during our separations. All of us can be honest about this and it may be perceived as being weak sometimes.  It’s honest to struggle.  And I’m not sure that you have to pretend that you’re handling it all just fine when you’re not.  Everyone struggles.

I think that the difference is showing that you’re struggling but doing the best that you can because you respect yourself enough to do nothing less.

When your husband doesn’t know what he wants, that is honestly his struggle.  You can’t necessarily work this out for him.  It’s his own issue. You can offer to listen and you can offer support, but you can not get inside his brain or his heart and fix it for him.

That is why trying to be what you think he wants is something that you may always be chasing, especially if he’s always changing it.  Frankly, your spouse is often searching during the separation in the same way that you are.  He has to come to the answers himself in the same way that you do. Which is why I think you’ll never go wrong if you show him who you truly are while putting the most positive spin on that person that you can manage.

I admit that, during my separation, I drastically changed the person that I was presenting to my husband when it became clear that the clingy, desperate woman reacting to fear was a huge turn off to him.  However, I never was that clingy, desperate person.  I became her because of the stress I was under.  But we both felt better once I got myself together and focused on the positives and my strength.   You can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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