Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many couples struggle to define their feelings during a trial or marital separation. After all, if both were feeling loving and intimate toward each other, a separation would not be necessary. So it’s somewhat understandable to doubt the depth of your love during the separation. Many are clear that they still love their spouse, but they don’t know if it’s enough. However, there is a subset of spouses who insist that they no longer feel any love at all, (even though many are not acting on this lack of emotion or seeking a divorce.) Some will insinuate that in time, the love may return, but they refuse to declare any love, which can leave the other spouse confused as to a next step.

This spouse might say, “my husband and I separated about nine weeks ago. At first, he would not even discuss his feelings for me. However, he was obviously frustrated. Lately, I too have become frustrated, but not because I am angry with my husband, but because I miss him. So last week as we were saying our goodbyes, I let an ‘I love you’ slip out. My husband said nothing. So I asked if he had heard me and he confirmed that he had. I asked why he had no response and he said, ‘well, I can’t say something that I don’t mean.’ So I had to ask him if he loved me. He said that he doesn’t love me right this second, but perhaps as our marriage improves the love will return. Needless to say, I became upset and asked why doesn’t he just divorce me if he doesn’t love me. His response was that he had absolutely no intention of a divorce and that he hoped his feelings would come back. I’m devastated by this. I’ve had some very bad days during this separation. There are times when I am very angry at and disappointed in my husband but I’ve never doubted my love. Frankly, I have a problem believing his claims. We vacationed together about two months before we separated and he was very affectionate. When I recently had a health scare, he was beside himself. Some of my friends say that I should just take him at his word and give up on him. But my husband isn’t pursuing a divorce. So what should I do? Just accept that my own husband will never love me?”

Making Difficult Decisions About How To Proceed: I certainly don’t think that you have to accept this. I know from my own separation that feelings change. Although I never stopped loving my husband, he did not feel the same. He never said as much, but he most certainly acted unloving and he deliberately refused to say or do anything which might reassure me. At first, I responded by desperately trying to pull him closer. My insecurity made me needy, demanding, and pushy. Needless to say, this made him love me even less. Things deteriorated quickly, so I had no choice but to give him time and space. However, I had to make a choice about what strategy was best for me moving forward. I decided that I absolutely was not ready to let go, but I needed to stop holding on so tightly. I told my husband that I was taking a break and that he could reach out to me anytime. But I no longer bugged him on a daily basis or measured my days by his reaction to me. As difficult as it was, I spent time with my friends, pursued my interests, and tried very hard to work on myself.

This break allowed my husband to eventually be receptive again. Once this happened, I worked very, very slowly to improve things between us. Very gradually, our relationship, and then our marriage, improved. None of this was quick, but the loving feelings eventually did return.

Feelings Can Change When Circumstances Change:  Sometimes circumstances, and feelings, evolve. As the situation improves, so do the feelings. When you are in the midst of painful circumstances, the feelings can reflect this reality. It is possible that your husband is only responding to the circumstances and that, if you are able to improve your relationship, his feelings may improve or change.

Taking Advantage Of The Time You Have: In the meantime, I’m not sure that you need to decide what you want to do about your marriage immediately – especially since your husband is not pursuing a divorce. This gives you the time to wait and see what might happen. Everyone is different, but sometimes, you inspire improvement if you stop pressuring him. Try to ensure that you have pleasant conversations, since negativity sometimes means that your husband will avoid you. Resist the urge to approach this with fear. Make sure he knows that you are taking the high road and are focused on improving yourself. This will sometimes give you more access to him and allow him to see that real change is possible. Positive emotions and improving circumstances make it SO MUCH easier for him to feel loving toward you again. That is why it makes sense to focus on the circumstances rather than worrying about the feelings – which will most likely change anyway.

If I had taken my husband at his word, I would not still be married today.  Every one’s separation is different, but sometimes, feelings change.  If you are not yet ready to give up, at least try to make some improvements and changes to your strategy.  You can read more about how I did this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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