Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very frustrated because they are separated from their husband, but they have no idea what he’s feeling or whether or not his feelings are favorable to him returning home and trying to save the marriage.

A wife might explain: “my husband and I separated two weeks ago because this is what he wanted. We agreed that our primary goal was to take a little time to think and that we would have dinner together at least every Friday. I thought that it would be obvious how he was feeling and which way he was leaning, but it’s not. We do have dinner every Friday night but it is just filled with small talk. When I try to ask my husband what he’s thinking or feeling, he tells me that he still doesn’t know. He’s pleasant enough, but I can’t help feeling as if he’s shutting me out. How do I get him to open up about his feelings?”

I understand this wife’s situation because I have been in it myself. In fact, when I was in this situation, I handled this so badly that our separation deteriorated to the point that we were barely even speaking. I believe that there’s definitely a right and a wrong way to handle this. I’ll outline what I think is the right way in the following article.

Know That Sometimes, The More You Push Him To Discuss His Feelings, The Less Likely He Is To Do So: I understand wanting to know what he is thinking and feeling. You want some reassurance. You want to hear something that is going to offer you hope. But you need to understand that sometimes, the harder you push for him to open up, the more likely it is that he is going to close it down. Men have a hard enough time understanding and then sharing their feelings, but this process becomes even more difficult when he feels pressure and when he feels your disapproval because of his delay.

Why One Of The Best Things That You Can Do Is To Be Easy To Approach: I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s my opinion that the best tactic that you can take right now is to back off on the pressure and to instead try to ensure that you are very easy and pleasurable to approach. After all, you want for those Friday night dinners to continue and you want for them to be a good experience. In fact, you want for them to go so well that you know that you will leave that meeting in a much better position than you might have had when you went into it. You want to begin to rebuild your marriage during those dinners.

But, if your husband knows that, without fail, every Friday he is going to be grilled about how he feels and why it is taking him so long to decide on this, how much do you think he’s going to look forward to those dinners? Not very much, right? In fact, he may start to cancel them or to do away with them all together and this is going to make saving your marriage that much more difficult.

Have Confidence That His Actions Will Eventually Tell You What You Need To Know: If you’re asking about his feelings causes conflict and it’s best to back off on this, know that often, you can tell how he is feeling due to his actions. Often, you can tell how receptive he is to you by his body language and facial expressions. You can typically tell how much progress you are making by how he reacts to you when you are together and how much he initiates contact when you aren’t.

Know That He May Not Have Any Answers Yet: It’s so important to be patient, even though I know first hand how impossible that this may appear at the time. It can take a while for his feelings to be apparent to him or to register so strongly that he is ready to share them. He may be waiting until he is sure to share his feelings. And he may not be feeling much of anything quite yet. It’s normal for people (especially men) to feel a little numb or to feel as if they are kind of walking around in a fog in the early stages of the separation.

The good news is that his feelings will likely become more apparent to both of you, and if you are patient and easy to approach, then you make it more likely that he is going to be sharing positive feelings with you. I know that it is frustrating because waiting around in the dark is truly no fun, but pressuring him will likely just do more harm than good.

I know this first hand.  I pressured my husband so much during our separation that he eventually became so discouraged that he filed for divorce.  So my endless pushing actually hurt my marriage rather than helped.  It wasn’t until I took a new, much more laid back approach that I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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