Leslie Cane Articles

Many separated wives want more time with their separated husbands. Often, because he has requested space, he can be distant during this time. However, some husbands are willing to spend substantial amounts of time with their separated wives. Unfortunately, many of these husbands are careful to stop there. There are happy to spend time together but won’t make any sort of commitment beyond this. Understandably, wives can be confused and frustrated by this process.

A wife might explain, “for the last two weeks, my separated husband has come over nearly every night. Initially, I was thrilled about this. We have been enjoying ourselves in ways we haven’t in a while. We are runners who usually work out together. So my husband comes over, and we run. Sometimes, we share dinner and conversation. However, last night I asked my husband to please commit to saving our marriage. We obviously enjoy being together. His response to me was that he ‘couldn’t commit to that right now.’ I was a bit shocked. What is he doing coming over all the time? Does he just want a run buddy and nothing else? I don’t want to complain too much. It’s not as if I have other things to do and I wouldn’t want to spend my evenings with anyone else. However, if he isn’t sure that we will be married in the future, why waste his time on me? My husband isn’t the sort of person who usually plays mind games. I don’t think he is trying to hurt me. I just don’t think he wants to be held to our marriage right now and this is devastating to me. What should I do?”

You can probably give yourself the best, most honest answers to this question. However, as a wife who was separated and who also had a somewhat reluctant husband, I am happy to share some insights that may help.

Understanding The Mindset of A Separated Husband: I don’t know this husband. But many separated husbands are open to the idea of ONE DAY reconciling. However, most want an undefined time frame. Why? It’s not always that they want to live life as a single person or that they don’t want their marriage. Sometimes, they are waiting to see if the changes you are in the process of making will stick. And they also may be waiting to see if you continue to get along well.

In short, they want a little more reassurance that reconciliation is going to be successful. And, that is not unreasonable. Because statistically speaking, every time a couple separates, the chances that they will have a successful marriage decreases. So, it is definitely beneficial to get this right the first time.

Evaluating How To Handle This In The Right Way: Where to go from here depends on what you want and your perceptions of your husband’s motivations. If you feel taken advantage of or as if he isn’t respecting that you may have other obligations or interests, then you can certainly pull back some so that you’re not seeing him every night.

During my own separation, I did find it helpful to not be available every time my husband reached out. A perception of scarcity can work in your favor when you are careful with it. However, you do need to be very careful because luring your husband back is a delicate balance. Very often, he feels enthusiastic about coming back once he has seen gradual, sustained improvements. I hear from wives who struggle to achieve this because they rarely see their separated husband. (And this is his choice.) So, your having liberal access to your husband is a big advantage. You have to be careful to keep that advantage.

Inching Toward What You Really Want: Obviously, you want to transform your “hanging out” into something more. But since your husband has refused to commit to that process, you’ll need to tread lightly. It is common for your husband to back away some if he thinks you are pressuring him. So, in the immediate future, dial back on any pressure and continue to enjoy carefree time together.

Casually continue to ask him to stay for dinner, but don’t panic if he declines. Continue on like this until it is clear that you are both comfortable and willing with the current scenario. Hopefully, he will then take the lead. If not, when it is safe and welcome to do so, suggest going somewhere other than your home and then stay with that scenario until that is very comfortable. Then, keep elevating your time together until it is obvious that reconciliation is what you both enthusiastically want.

My rule of thumb was that if I had to ask about reconciliation, the time was not right. I forced myself to wait until my husband mentioned it. But by then, it was pretty obvious that we were getting back together. Still, he’d had negative reactions every time I pushed. So I had learned not to press my luck.

Looking back, it was beneficial for us to move at a gradual pace. If we had resumed our marriage in the time frame I wanted, we may not have been successful. However, by proceeding with caution, we were able to iron out the rough spots and re-evaluate what didn’t work for us. As a result, by the time my husband moved back in, we were both confident that we were on solid footing and neither of us had doubts. I knew that my husband truly and sincerely wanted to be with me. And that felt wonderful. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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