Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives can’t wait for the day when they can move back in with their husbands. After all, separation is lonely. And the uncertainty of an unknown outcome isn’t a fun way to live.  

I know that I felt that way. My husband was mostly not receptive to me for the majority of our separation, so I would have been very happy if he had started hinting that he wanted to move back in. But alas, it took a very long time for this to happen. And when it did, I wasn’t entirely confident, which broke my heart.

It is like the very thing you’ve been waiting for scares you the most because you know that you likely only have one chance.  

A wife might explain it this way: “My husband has been hot and cold during our entire separation. There are times when he wants nothing to do with me, and then for some unknown reason, he will suddenly get interested again. This last time when he got interested, he actually seemed like he was pursuing me a little bit. After a couple of weeks of this, he asked me, ‘Why don’t we pull the bandaid off and move in together?’ I’ve wanted him to suggest this for so long, but I know my therapist is going to tell me this isn’t a good idea. My husband has been so wishy-washy, and we really haven’t solved our problems yet. Unfortunately, when I told my husband about my reservations, he became cold and distant again, so now I’m concerned that I’m not going to get another chance. Should I let him move back in and just hope for the best?”

This is not a question that I can answer for someone else, but I can tell you that I had a similar experience and I too was very afraid to move back in so abruptly. I’ll share why and how I dealt with it below:

Why I Was Reluctant to Move Back in Quickly: For most of our separation, my husband was pretty standoffish. And, as a result, I became increasingly desperate. Desperation didn’t make for great behavior during a separation, and I can say that I was not at my Sunday best. My panic, desperation, and jacked-up behavior were a huge turn-off to my husband.  

And it took me a very long time to undo the damage I’d done. My actions meant that my husband backed away. And I had to work very, very slowly to get him even remotely receptive to me again.

Once I did, I was very paranoid about doing anything to set myself back once again. So when my husband mentioned moving back in, I was very concerned that I would misstep and he would leave again. And I knew that if he moved out twice, I would have virtually no chance at all of getting him to come back the second time. 

So I decided a compromise was probably the best option.

Why a Compromise Could Help to Minimize the Risk: I very much wanted to spend time with my husband in our home again – but with minimized risk. So I thought the best course of action was to just tell him the truth.

So I sat him down and I told him that I wanted him to come home more than anything, but I didn’t want to risk us failing. And I suggested that we have him more in – but very gradually.

So we started with him just spending a night. And then we’d wait a bit before he spent another. As soon as that went smoothly, we would do a weekend. After we several of these under our belts, we tried working on some of our issues when he would come over. 

We stayed with this pace for quite a long time, and when we hit a few rough patches, we would simply slow down. Because he had his own place, the stakes didn’t feel quite so high. It wasn’t a big deal to slow the pace when we needed to, although at times it felt like the pace was excruciatingly slow.

Waiting Until You Feel Extremely Certain You Won’t Fail: People often ask me how they will know that the time is right to move back in together. While there is no guarantee, I feel that most people know when the time is right because their reservations will be gone because they know they’ve moved gradually and done enough work to feel confident that their marriage can withstand living together once again.

Generally speaking, you should feel that the ease and intimacy between you has returned. You should be laughing together regularly and have a plan in place as to how you will better resolve conflict when it comes up.

I know this may all sound tedious, but it is worth it. Because of what I’ve been through, I don’t take my marriage for granted anymore. I also take the time to take care of my marriage so that I have more confidence that it won’t struggle or fail again.

Of course, no one can predict the future. I certainly didn’t think my marriage would fail in the first place and it did. So I can’t guarantee you that my marriage will be forever. No one can. However, I feel as confident as possible because of the work we did. 

Please understand that I’m only giving you my opinion and sharing my experience. Pulling the bandaid off is a strategy that might work for some, but I don’t believe it would have worked for us or for some other vulnerable marriages out there. That’s why I think it can be prudent to work gradually and as the health of your marriage allows.

I know you want him home as soon as possible – but you also want him to stay. So it is important to play the long game.

If it helps you can read about my journey from separation to reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com.  It was a rocky journey, but we eventually made it.

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