Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: For many of us that are facing a separation, having our husband actually leave our home and move out is one of the biggest hurdles that we face. Many of us literally have to look away or actually leave the premises when he actually walks out of the door. Because that reality is one that is much too hard to face.

But once we are able to get our brain past that hurdle, there are other things that we have to think about. What happens when he actually chooses another home? Are his choices good signs or bad signs? And what happens when he actually lives under another roof?

We wives spend a lot of time thinking about these things. You can tell us not to dwell on them if you like, but this is nearly impossible. A perfect example is the wife who says: “it took my husband about three months of hinting and beating around the bush to finally broach the topic of moving out. I knew that he was unhappy and was considering separating. But I also know that he didn’t want to hurt me. So he took his time and I think that he tried to talk himself out of it.  But after he finally made the decision, he took another three months to consider where he might want to live. For a time, he was considering taking a promotion that would have him traveling all over the world. It actually would have been a wonderful opportunity for him, but I was very afraid of what would have happened to our marriage if he had pursued it. Ultimately, he took an apartment ten minutes away. I am too afraid to ask him why he chose a place so close to mine. But I am hoping that it means that he wants to be in close proximity to me and that he wants to see me often.  However, my friends say that I am overreaching with this. They say that my husband was very careful in his decision to separate and so there can be no ambiguity about the fact that he wants ‘separation’ from me. What do you think? Is it a good sign that he wants to live close by during our separation?”

I certainly think that it could be a good sign. And it’s certainly a better sign than him choosing to travel or choosing to live in the next town over. Granted, I suppose because I was able to save my marriage against what seemed like all odds, I am an optimist in this regard.

But when a man has a chance to get far away from you and he doesn’t take it, that is telling. When he moves to a place where you can be to his house in ten minutes, that is telling. Because such an arrangement would probably put a damper on his dating life, if that is what he intended. And if he wanted to discourage you from coming to see him, then he has a very interesting way of carrying it out.

Unless he just didn’t plan his residence very well (and this doesn’t seem likely because he took so long to take action and seemed very slow and deliberate in his decisions,) it appears that he intended to give you easy and short access to him, which is arguably great news.

Having said that, we need to be realistic also. You don’t want to abuse this proximity. If he has asked for time and space, then you want to have the respect to give that to him. If possible, you want to let him take the lead – especially in the beginning.

However, from experience, having the emotional as well as the physical distance between you when you are separated is very difficult. At least you will not have the physical distance to deal with. Sure, you are not living under the same roof, but you know that he is close by. You know that he chose not to live far away.

So, to me, the best strategy here is to be encouraged, but to also know that you are separated and you do have work to do. Take advantage of the close proximity, but give him the space that he has asked for. And get to work in determining what is truly wrong and then fixing it. This is often MUCH harder than it sounds. Sometimes, we assume we know what is wrong when we discover that we have been working on the wrong problems all along. Sometimes, we have to go back to the drawing board and that is OK. Any improvement and any adjustment is beneficial to your marriage.

With that done, you can work on very gradually, very authentically, and very deliberately beginning to reconnect again. You don’t want to rush this process. As much as you want your husband home, I learned there is as much risk in getting home too soon than in not getting him home soon enough.

I never thought I would say this, but I was lucky that my husband actually forced a slower pace. This also forced me to make real and lasting changes that mean we are still married today.  The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin