Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you are separated, sometimes it’s only natural to put a negative spin on (or to analyze) everything.  After all, you’re operating on fear.  You’ve had to experience some of your worst fears coming true, so you’re bound to wonder just what new problems are going to crop up next.

That is why, even when you hear the words that you’ve been longing to hear, you can doubt them.  You can analyze them.  And you may not be able to ignore it when your husband’s actions do not match his words.  If he’s telling you that he really does care for and love you, but his actions might indicate otherwise, how should you interpret both things, working together?

For example, you may have a separated husband who, when pressed, assures you that his love for you hasn’t evaporated.  He may claim that he still cares about your feelings.  But then he moves out and forces you to live on your own and to face an uncertain future.  And, during the separation, he may act in ways that aren’t loving at all.  So what do you pay more attention to?  His words? Or his actions?  Which one of these things are true?

A wife might ask:”I’m not really sure about what my separated husband is telling me.  I mean, I hear what he is telling me with his words.  But he is also telling me things with his actions, or lack thereof.  We are separated because he wanted it.  He basically said he didn’t think he wanted the accountability of being married anymore.  He didn’t like being responsible to another person. He felt that I was too needy and this made him feel pressured all of the time.  Since our separation, he’s been pretty hands-off and this hurts.  He pretty much leaves me to my own devices and doesn’t even both to check in all that often.  This makes me feel unloved.  I recently got so upset that I told my husband how unloved I felt.  At this point, he reassured me that he still loved me and cared deeply for me.  But how am I supposed to believe that?  How does a man love a woman and basically leave her and then make her fend for herself?  Is this love?  What am I supposed to believe?”

It’s very difficult for me to answer these questions, but I certainly know how you feel.  I had the same questions during my own separation, but I can tell you that these days, since we have reconciled, I do feel loved by my husband.

I dialogue with some separated men who visit my blog and also from wives who are trying to make sense of this. It’s pretty clear to me that many people do not act very loving during a separation for various reasons.

Reasons Why A Separated Spouse May Hesitate To Show Love: Often, separated spouses are trying very hard not to send mixed signals, or any signals at all for that matter. They aren’t sure how things are going to turn out in the future, so they figure that it might be more kind to take the emotions out of the equation.  As a result, they kind of shut down.  Ironically, they think that they are doing this out of love and for your benefit.  But they are holding back on the acts that would show love because, during your separation, you’re often trying to sort out your feelings.  In light of this, acting loving would likely confuse that process for every one involved.

Why His Behaviors May Change With Time: I understand your thought process and I’m often very clear on the fact that it is people’s actions and not their words that tell you what you truly need to know.  Words are cheap.  Words are easy.  Actions often are not.  But, when you are separated, you are often trying very hard to suppress your feelings and this can come across is your actions.

I suppose that the point that I am trying to make is that, at least from my own experience and from others that I hear from, I think it’s possible for a person to act quite unloving during a separation but then to change their behavior after or during a reconciliation.  People are often not at their best when separation and so consequently, you will not see their best behavior.

I’m certainly not trying to excuse your husband.  I know that it hurts. But I am suggesting that sometimes a person’s actions and behaviors change over the course of a separation and sometimes, their behaviors are precisely because they are trying to keep you from seeing how they really feel or they are trying to repress their feelings for the time being.

Because of this, a separation is really not the best time to analyze whether your husband’s behaviors are particularly loving.  I know that this is hard because you can’t be sure that you’re going to see better behaviors in the future.  I know that a lot of this is a leap of faith.  But I think it helps to try to stop analyzing on a regular basis because things can and do change quickly when you’re separated. And precisely because things are volatile and painful, just observing isn’t always going to tell you what your spouse truly feels.  Because often, he doesn’t even fully know this himself.  So sometimes, you have to be patient and observe over a longer period of time.

I admit that I analyzed every single word out of my husband’s mouth and every action out of his body during my own separation.  In the long term, it truly did me no good.  Because things eventually changed.  And all of the worry was for nothing.  You can read about how things changed on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin