Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated but don’t want to be, you’re often looking for any opportunity to feel closer to your separated husband. One way you might try to do this is to get him to talk to you and share his feelings. You figure if you can continue to communicate, then at least you have a chance to build upon that and eventually reconnect.

But what happens if he doesn’t want to communicate with you due to an allegation that you believe is untrue? Namely, that you wouldn’t understand anyway or that you don’t understand him at all.

A wife might say, “I am desperately trying to maintain a feeling of closeness with my separated husband. I try to communicate with him once every day since he is the one who wanted more time away from me. There have been times when he willingly takes my calls, but lately, he seems much more reluctant to talk to me. I can’t bring myself to give up because if I do, I could see us drifting apart and getting to the point of no return. So yesterday, when it was like pulling teeth to get my husband to talk to me, I asked him why it seemed so painful for him to converse. His response was that it was a waste of time because I don’t understand him anyway, and I most definitely do not understand his life right now – so I can in no way have a meaningful conversation with him.”  

“This is hogwash. I’ve known him for many years. We have shared a life together. I know his deepest fears and his most prevalent wishes. I tried to explain this to him, but he won’t hear it and merely says that our lives are different now and I don’t understand him in our new lives. Again, this is all hogwash, but he won’t listen to me. How can I manage this? I do not want to back off on communications with him, but it is hard to have a real conversation if he will not open up because he thinks I don’t understand him.”

Why You Might Be Seeing This Behavior: I completely get your concern. I often encourage separated wives to do every reasonable thing to maintain communication. However, there is a caveat with that. Sometimes, if your communication is actually damaging the relationship or making things more awkward or tense, then it sometimes makes sense to at least reevaluate how you are communicating. There are some common reasons that a separated husband will think you don’t understand him, as well as some reasons that he might back away from communication. I will discuss these things below. 

Why a Separated Husband Might Think You “Don’t Understand” Him:  Whether your husband wants to admit it or not, both of your emotional lives have likely changed dramatically. And that type of swing might leave you struggling in various ways even if you think you are coping or are happy. 

Granted, the things he is juggling or dealing with may well be different than the things with which you are juggling. His feelings may be quite a bit different than yours since he willingly wanted this separation. And that may well be what he means when he tells you you do not understand.  

He is looking at it from the perspective of someone who willingly took this on, and you are not. He may also think that no person can feel what someone else is feeling or having the same thoughts. He may think that he can’t adequately explain these things, so it’s easier to just proclaim you don’t understand. 

Still, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t struggling with the same issues of uncertainty – even if he doesn’t realize it. And it doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t try your best to put yourself in his shoes.

And while you may understand all of this and want him to understand it too, he might not be at the place where he is willing to – at least just yet.

Why a Separated Husband Might Back Away From Communication and Use the “Understanding” as a Reason:  Many separated husbands will balk at constant communication – especially when they were the ones who initiated the separation. They suspect that your reason for wanting to communicate so often is to determine what they are feeling and therefore what they might want.

They often don’t have a quick answer for you. In the same way that you are, they’re trying to feel their way and get used to this new normal. Like you, they’ve not been separated before, and they may not be sure how they feel – but they know that you want to know – and are using the communication to try to figure it out.

Therefore, they might keep you at arm’s length to avoid that kind of scrutiny and pressure. I’m not saying it is wrong of you to want to know what your husband is thinking. I most definitely felt that during my own separation. But I am trying to explain why you might be seeing the behavior that you are.

A Way to Proceed That Won’t Cause More Harm:  I know firsthand that it’s tempting to try to communicate even more to goad him into talking frankly with you. I did that. It was a mistake. It backfired. After I did it, my husband communicated with me even less than before and was less happy to hear from me when I did manage to get him on the phone.

Instead of making the mistakes I did, you want to learn how to gauge your husband’s response to you and proceed accordingly. I know that it is difficult to be this brutally honest with yourself, but it can help tremendously. When your husband is standoffish, tells you that you don’t understand, or just isn’t receptive, you might tell him that you’re trying your very best to support him, and then give it a few days to calm down.

Don’t keep going back at him if he’s made it clear he isn’t receptive. Give him time to notice your absence, and he might see things a bit differently in short order. 

I know that I’m asking you to do the very thing you fear – to tone down communication for just a bit – but I know from experience that pushing can get you the opposite of what you want. And it can make the separation longer and more awkward. You can read about how I eventually turned things around during my own separation and reconciled at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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