Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated that their separation hasn’t turned out like they had hoped. Instead of making things better in their marriage, the separation has only made things worse. And this is why many of them didn’t want the separation in the first place. Even worse, many of the husbands now insist that they are completely sure about their lack of feelings for their wife.  And this can leave her wondering if there is anything left for her to do but to just accept the inevitable.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband said he needed to separate in order to determine how he really feels about me. He told me that for the last year and a half, he has been doubting his feelings for me. So he felt that he needed some time away to make these doubts more clear. I really didn’t have any choice in him leaving but of course they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder so I was hoping that this would be the case for us. Unfortunately, my hopes weren’t realized because my husband called me yesterday and told me that he had come to a conclusion. He said that he doesn’t have any romantic feelings for me and he thinks that we might have to end our marriage as a result. This obviously isn’t what I wanted to hear so I told him that I’d do anything to work on this with him. But he said that he didn’t think there was anything that we could do. He believes that if the feelings aren’t there, they just aren’t there and there isn’t much that you can do about this. I’m devastated that it appears that I need to give up and that there’s nothing more that I can do.”

I really felt for this wife because there was a time when I was worried that there was nothing left for me to do in my own marriage. But sometimes, backing off a little and letting true absence work for you is very a much a strategy that can be quite effective. I know that this can be quite scary. And I certainly can’t promise you that it will work. But, it worked for me and it’s worked for others. And frankly, when I tried it, I was truly out of other options. My husband was lessening the access that I had to him so this was just the next logical step that was going to happen anyway. I will describe how this works in real life below.

Although It’s Natural To Want To Push Harder, This Strategy Often Only Intensifies What Is Already Wrong: I know that hearing him claim that he no longer has any feelings for you is quite painful. So it is natural to attempt to do whatever you have to do to stop this process. It’s very common to try over the top strategies meant to change his mind. You might be tempted to go over in cute or revealing clothes and try to seduce him. You might arrange to just happen to run into him somewhere. Or, suddenly, it might seem like a good idea to attempt to make him jealous by introducing another man into the picture.

I do understand why all of these strategies are tempting. Doing anything, however over the top, seems better than just allowing him to walk out of your life. But often, you will find that these strategies just magnify what is already happening. Instead of your husband saying something like “wow, I’m glad she’s made me realize that I really do still have feelings for her. It’s all so clear to me now,'” he will often resist you instead. And worse, he may be so put off by this whole display that he wants to make sure that the split happens just that more quickly.

People generally don’t associate these desperation inspired strategies as risky, but in my opinion, they are even more risky than backing off, although it typically feels as if just the opposite is true.

Why Backing Off Is Often A Valid Strategy: I understand that when you back off, it feels as if you are doing nothing. It feels like you have given up. But what you may not understand is that this is a calculated pause. You are backing off to introduce some calm into the situation. You are doing this to keep yourself from taking the desperate actions that you might later regret. And you are giving him a chance to sit with the silence that may just feel quite foreign to him.

People often worry that if they do this, their husband is just going to let them walk out of his life and that he might even be glad about it. I can’t tell you that this is not a possibility. But you can always reevaluate if it looks as if this is happening. But many wives are surprised that after a little while, he actually reaches out to her because he’s wondering what brought about this sudden change. And when this happens, he might just realize that some surprising feelings have come to the surface. After all, if he truly feels nothing for you, why would he care?

Does He Mean It When He Says He No Longer Feels Anything For You?: This of course is the most important question. But sometimes, it is just too early to give a yes or no answer. When the separation is new and he feels a sense of freedom or relief, he can begin to equate this with a lack of feeling for you. But that will sometimes pass and he will realize that he’s mistaken. Or he will attempt to date other people and realize that they don’t compare because he misses you. Of course, every man and every situation is different but this is certainly possible. People do change. Feelings do change. So just because he is telling you something today, this doesn’t mean that things are always going to remain this way.

I believe that attraction and loving feelings are necessary for a healthy and successful marriage. But I do not believe that true feelings are always clear or definite during a separation when doubts and feelings are running high.

So although I didn’t know if this husband was going to change his mind or come to a new realization about his feelings, I didn’t think that the wife should just blindly accept this or give up. Instead, I suggested that she give the situation a bit of a break, focus on herself and her own growth and see if the momentary silence helps.

Again, I can’t guarantee any result but I can tell you that backing off during my own separation made all of the difference.  It was the difference between an eventual divorce and saving my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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