Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common complaints that I hear from separated wives concerns the loneliness and difficulty of having to run a household alone. Before I was separated and lived on my own, I did not realize up all of the upkeep that was required to keep my home functioning correctly, since my husband and I split the tasks. I’d never had to worry about things like the gutters, the yard, the car maintenance, and the garbage. So it was shocking to me to have to handle these things (on top of all of my other obligations) when my husband moved out. Granted, he tried to leave me in a good place regarding all of these chores. But there was only so much he could do when he wasn’t actually living in our home. I know that I’m not the only separated wife who has experienced this way. I hear from many wives in the same boat. And most of them struggle with this in the beginning, but eventually, they either learn to handle these tasks themselves, or they find someone to do this for them. Either way, they have to learn to take the helm and to do many things on their own. Admittedly, this can feel overwhelming. But many of us take these things onto our shoulders because someone has to do them, and we really have no other choice. Some of us are quite proud of ourselves for rising to the occasion. But how should we take it if our husband is proud of us too? What if he applauds our independence? Is this is a good or a bad sign?

A wife might say, “I will admit that I went into our separation kicking and screaming. I did my very best to guilt my husband out of it. I made sure he knew how much I was constantly struggling, and how I considered this all his fault. It may sound old fashioned, but we split the household chores. So when he moved out, everything fell to me. At first, I nagged him to help out. But he resisted coming over too often. Eventually, after being separated for about six weeks, I figured out if I wanted the house to keep running properly, I would have to learn to do things for myself. I actually saw my husband at a hardware store last weekend. He was shocked to see me buying stuff for the lawn. And he beamed at me. I asked him why he looked so happy, and he said, ‘I’m honestly just so proud of you for being more independent and for taking on running everything while I’m gone.’ I wasn’t sure how to take this. It was nice to see him smiling at me for a change. The rest of our conversation went well. But as I was driving home, I started to worry. What if he’s happy about my independence because now he can not feel as guilty and he can rest easy knowing that I can handle things? What if he now feels even more free to pursue a divorce? Is this actually a bad sign?”

Why I Think It’s Probably A Good Sign: It’s hard to say, but there is one thing about which I feel pretty certain. You are only six weeks into this process. And although I know that this feels like a long time, things usually change over the entire course of your separation. I don’t necessarily think a husband’s being impressed by your coping skills and resilience is a bad thing. Honestly, when he feels guilt and shame about your separation, he is more likely to avoid you.

Since he’s probably feeling less guilt and shame now, this might actually improve your situation. You had a more positive conversation also. I see both of these things as very good signs.

But, let’s play devil’s advocate for a minute. Assuming that you are right and that he’s relieved that you are becoming more independent, nothing says that his relief is going to translate into a desire for a divorce. You hopefully have some time to build upon this recent positivity and skew his thinking toward a reconciliation rather than a divorce.

What To Focus On Right Now: I understand the urge to debate with yourself as to whether every occurrence or interaction is a good or bad sign. I did this myself. But I eventually learned that it wasn’t constructive. Separations generally don’t function in a linear manner. Sometimes things will go well. Other times they might pause or go backward because this is a very difficult time, and the behaviors and emotions will reflect this. The trajectory doesn’t matter as much as your ability to regroup and remain positive when you hit a set back.

I had to learn not to allow my worry, pessimism, and dread to drive my behaviors and actions. I always made things worse when I gave into worse-case-scenario thinking. I was always better off when I forced myself to act as if I were perfectly capable and coping.

Right now, I’d suggest breaking this down to its most basic level: built upon the momentum and positivity that the universe has gifted you. Your husband complimented you and then beamed. Focus on that. Ask yourself how you can ensure that your next interaction is just as positive as the last one. Honestly, this is how I got my separated husband’s attention and ultimately saved my marriage. I limited my focus – I just tried to ensure that each new interaction was more positive than the last.

Admittedly, I’m oversimplifying it, but this is a wonderful first step. Because if you can create a chain of positivity and enhanced interaction, then the other things you need to do to save your marriage are so much easier. Because suddenly you have a cooperative and interested husband.

I would continue to appear capable and coping because you got a positive reaction from it. Being able to handle things on your own does not mean that you will always need or want to do this. It means that you can and nothing more. And if you keep moving forward in this way, you might be doing these tasks with your husband again sooner than you think.

If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage after separation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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