Leslie Cane Articles

If you are dealing with a martial separation, chances are that you probably are not at your personal best. What I mean by that is that someone is more likely to seek separation if they are personally struggling than if they are on top of their game. So it makes sense that many people will say that they want to take the time to sort themselves out during the separation.

Yet, this is the excuse that many spouses will give for not agreeing to a reconciliation once their spouse is ready to do so. Someone might explain, “when my husband initiated our separation, I honestly thought (and still believe) that he was going through a midlife crisis. And he admitted that he needed “to figure out what he wanted from his life,” during our separation. It sure appears to me that he has worked very hard to accomplish this. He has pursued new passions. He has made new friends. He has switched churches. He spends less time with toxic family members and co-workers. It’s as if he is rejecting many things from his previous life. That said, he does seem happier and more functional now. And, because of his new level of satisfaction, we have been getting along better. But when I mention even talking about a reconciliation, he cuts me off and says something like, ‘I can’t even think about that until I get myself figured out. I can’t take good care of you until I can take good care of myself.’ I responded by telling him that I can take of myself, as I’ve been doing this entire time we’ve been separated. His reply was that he is sure that he hasn’t finished ‘working on himself’ and won’t talk about reconciling until then. I am at a loss. What if he plans to work on himself endlessly? Am I just supposed to sit around and wait? Is this just a lame excuse so that he doesn’t have to reconcile with me? No one is perfect, but it’s almost as if he believes that his life is going to be on hold until it is close to perfect as possible.”

Living Around It: I definitely don’t think you have to put your life on hold and wait. It took me far too long to figure out that you can live well while you are separated – even if you still love your husband and even when you still desperately want to reconcile.

My husband had a similar stance – he wanted to make absolutely sure that any attempt at reconciliation would work, so he took his sweet time watching and waiting. This was infuriating and frustrating to me at the time, but now I realize that he was absolutely correct. If we had rushed (as I’d wanted to,) we would have hit much more turbulence than we did. We may not be together today.

I’m not implying that you’re trying to rush it, but I am stressing that a gradual pace is usually quite beneficial.

Focusing On Improvements Rather Than Delays: It seems clear that things between you and your husband have improved and that overall, he is happier. These are both positive changes that not everyone gets to enjoy. Don’t take either for granted. I did not have either of these things for quite a while. Luckily, you can build upon this foundation to move even closer to a reconciliation. It’s very easy to focus on your shattered time frame. It is harder to focus on the fact that you are gradually moving toward your goal, even if it is not on the schedule you would have wanted.

Hacking Time: I know that waiting can be excruciating. The key, at least for me, was not to focus on time – but on progress. I finally realized that I had most of what I wanted. I had a husband who would take my calls and spend time with me again. (Sometimes, he even showed me affection.) I had re-booted my own life so I was spending more time on the people and things I cared about. I began taking care of my body and mind again because I simply had more time to spend on myself.

Once you look at this time as an investment that you can enjoy rather than a time that you must endure, everything changes. It’s not nearly as hard to wait when you shift your mindset, and your husband will likely appreciate your patience.

I learned the hard way that pressuring and rushing a separated husband is not the way to endear him to you. I know that you are afraid that he is making excuses, but the fact that he’s willing to spend time with you detracts from that theory. If he were making excuses, he would likely also be avoiding you.

I know that waiting is difficult. I went through it also. But now that I have been successfully reconciled for quite some time, I can see the benefit of taking our time and ensuring that both of us were the strongest versions of ourselves. The healthier the individuals, the healthier the marriage. And we all want a healthy marriage.  If it helps, you can read about my own reconciliation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin