Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives spend a lot of time fantasizing about their separated husbands coming home. And, to make that happen, they also spend a lot of time cultivating the plan which they believe is most likely to work. Many understandably think that once they can overcome that seemingly insurmountable hurdle, hopefully all can be fine and they can start to move on with their lives. In order to keep yourself hopeful and working hard to make this happen, you often don’t allow your mind to think about his homecoming being anything but happy or smooth. Sometimes though, he comes home and he isn’t acting in the way that you hoped. He’s acting reluctant to be there, cold, and distant.

A wife might describe this situation: “my husband and I were separated for almost seven months. It was a horrible time for our family. For my kids sake, I downplayed it and I acted confident that he would come back soon. But I honestly had started to have my doubts. I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to keep my family together. And I have done that. I never once completely gave up on my marriage. I never once gave up on my husband – even when his behavior seemed to be urging me to do so. I counted down the days until I could get him home and I was certain that once I did, I would have my life back. I actually pictured us having a second honeymoon of sorts. Unfortunately, this isn’t how it all worked out. He is back. And I am thrilled about that. But it’s pretty clear that he is less than happy to be here. He isn’t really engaged with the family. He’s loving to the kids and I’m glad. But he doesn’t act the same way toward me. He’s extremely distant and he pulls away every chance he gets. It’s not like he’s angry or that I have done anything wrong. It’s just like he’s participating as an outsider who doesn’t seem invested. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he says that I expect too much. Will this get better? Will he stop being so distant to me?”

That’s difficult to predict, but I can tell you it’s my opinion and observation that there most definitely can be an adjustment period when a separated spouse comes home. It is normal for one or both people to be a little guarded because they don’t necessarily know what to expect. They dread failure. They know that there is so much on the line. And they may be acutely aware that despite their best efforts, things have changed. It’s going to feel awkward coming back home when you’ve been gone for seven months.

I know that it may be tempting to demand to know why he’s acting so distant or to attempt to make him feel guilty about it so that he will overcompensate and be more present. But I’m not sure that you want him to have to pretend to do or feel anything in his own home. I don’t think that there is any need to panic right away. You don’t want to put more pressure onto the situation. That may just cause him to retreat even further.

I know that this is difficult. I’ve been there too. But in my experience, it’s better to try to create a relaxed atmosphere and let things just develop. If you feel that too much time has gone by and you haven’t made progress, then perhaps counseling would be a better option than trying to decipher what he is feeling on your own.  It may also be better than trying to make him feel guilty because he is not acting as you think he should or how you had hoped.

The transition period between separation and reconciliation does not always go as smoothly as we assume or hope. This can be especially true if one or both spouses applied pressure for the reconciliation to happen before it was quite ready to happen. None of this means that you are doomed to fail, though. Your really are just beginning, so don’t let your worry about a future that you can’t possibly predict become a self fulfilling prophecy. He may be distant now, but if you can create a relaxed environment conducive to taking things one day at a time, you might find that he relaxes and settles in relatively soon.

Sometimes, people distance themselves when they know that there is so much on the line. It is a defense mechanism meant to keep them from getting hurt or from being disappointed. They figure if they hold themselves back from investing too much, then it won’t hurt as much when they fail. Your job then, is to show him in a low pressure way that you can be successful. And that if you work together, neither of you will need to be worried about failure.

I had these same worries when my husband came home and I tried to delay his homecoming until I felt deeply that it was right between us.  Because no matter how much you plan and anticipate, there is sometimes setbacks anyway.  But that is life.  And that is marriage.  And sometimes you have to just relax and have some faith and watch as things unfold.  Sometimes, you are pleasantly surprised to find that your worry was all for nothing. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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