Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most separated people intuitively know that communication is vitally important if you want to reconcile and save your marriage. Unfortunately, though, communication can be among the most tricky issues to get right.

Often, both spouses are dealing with separate, individual issues and agendas during the separation. And these opposing views can cloud how one spouse interprets what the other is saying. This type of disconnect can be most problematic when you are trying to use communication to move closer to your spouse. But in reality, miscommunication is moving you further and further away. 

Someone might say, “I honestly cannot talk to my separated husband without something going terribly wrong. It wasn’t like we were communicating well before our separation. Not being able to effectively communicate is one reason that we are separated now. But things have actually gotten significantly worse. I know that it is important for me to try to bring more positivity into our interactions. So that is what I’ve been trying to do. But when I make any attempt to have a nice or positive conversation, he accuses me of being sarcastic. When I try to bring up a genuine concern to him, like about our kids, for instance, he downplays it. Then he tells me that I am head of the household temporarily and that I can’t run to him for every single small issue. It is like he thinks that I am making excuses to talk to him and that he is determined that everything I say must be wrong. I’m only trying to include him in our lives. I’m trying to stay in communication with him so that we still feel part of a team. But he shuts me down no matter what I say. What can I do?”

Some of this is just par for the course when you are separated, but you are right in thinking that you need to establish positive communication as soon as possible. Talking can be one of the most effective ways to restore intimacy. And there could be many possibilities as to why he is thwarting intimacy and blocking communication. 

I will discuss these below, as well as offer tips as to how you might handle this. 

He Feels Guilty, Disappointed, or Other Negative Feelings That Are Clouding How He Reads Your Message:  Even when men push for and want a separation, many are let down once it actually happens. Sometimes, despite his posturing, he may feel guilty and selfish for initiating this. 

He knows that the separation is affecting his wife and children in a negative way. He knows that no matter how careful he is, this is still a big life adjustment for everyone. And he initiated this.

So the guilt and fear that he feels about his part in this might cloud his communications with you. Because of this guilt (and perhaps the knowledge that he treated you unfairly,) he may reflect this in his responses to you.

For example, if you innocently ask him about a topic relating to the kids, he may see that as your attempt to make him feel guilty about the kids. Because he already feels guilty, so he can’t see anything else. 

Likewise, when he believes you to be sarcastic when you are sincere, he may fear you are manipulating him, and potentially keeping him from getting the space or time that he wanted.

In other words, it’s not that there is anything at all wrong with your delivery. Or the tone of your voice. It’s just that his headspace right now means that you are going to have to be careful not to step into the minefield of the issues that he may be struggling with – but doesn’t want you to know about. 

Make Sure What You Say Is Clear and Free of Any Manipulation: To be fair, some wives do attempt to manipulate their separated spouses during conversations. I know because I did it. And I believe it’s completely natural and understandable. You want your words to have an effect on him – whether that is for him to miss you, to feel affection for you, or to wish things could be different.

But the truth is, early in the separation, he may not be ready for that just yet. He may be still trying to get a bit of perspective and space. So he may be extra sensitive to any attempts to manipulate him with words or behaviors. He may even see manipulation when it isn’t there. So it’s important to be as transparent and forthcoming as you can.

For example, make sure that when you bring up an issue, it truly is important and you truly do need his input. Don’t ask him about things which you’ve already agreed were off-limits. Don’t make up excuses to call. (I say these things only because I did every one of them, and this only made things worse for me. ) And I completely understand why they are tempting. But once you do these things, your husband is going to doubt the sincerity of everything else you say.

You might also try to ease into conversations that you know might be taken incorrectly. For example, you could try something like, “I need to talk to you about the kids. I think it’s an important issue that we both need to address together. Is this a good time?”

This allows your separated husband to have more control over the conversation and to not feel ambushed or manipulated. 

Don’t Fall Into The Trap of Engaging and Making This Worse: It’s very easy to get defensive in this situation. It’s very easy to ask your husband why he’s flipping around everything you say. 

But that will likely only make it worse. Resist the urge to engage with him. If communication is truly off the rails, limit the damage and come back at it another day.

Once things begin to get better with his individual negative feelings and issues, communication may begin to improve. And, in time, you will hopefully learn how to navigate these setbacks and, sometimes, even use them to your advantage.  Sometimes, you really CAN use them to your advantage.  You can read about how I learned to do this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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