Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are pleasantly surprised to find that their separated husbands are more receptive than they feared during their marital separation. Despite any fears, he accepts calls, occasionally reaches out, and isn’t opposed to sometimes spending quality time together. Sometimes, he even talks about the future.

This all sounds really great – until you find out that this stance isn’t constant. It seemingly changes for no apparent reason. One day he will seem open to communicating with his wife, and the next he will act as if they are strangers or he’ll ignore her.

She might say, “Honestly, I was relieved a month or so into my separation. I’d seen separated friends who quickly divorced after they separated because their husbands would have nothing to do with them. I feared this would also be my fate, especially since it was my husband who wanted to separate. However, about three weeks into it, he started to come around. He started out returning my calls, and eventually, he called me some. We’ve seen each other a few times, and once he even cooked dinner for me. At the end of the night, he kissed my hand. There are times when we talk when he alludes to the future, and this gives me hope. So I start to think that just maybe we might make it after all.”

 “However, a week or two will go by, and then he will do an about-face. He will go silent on me, and he will act as if our progress didn’t happen. And then when I finally get him to pick up the phone, he’ll act annoyed when I ask him if anything is wrong. He’ll tell me that he’s just been busy, but I can tell that he’s colder than normal. I’ll ask him if I’ve done anything to upset him, and he’ll assure me that I haven’t. He’ll once again say that he’s busy, but it’s like he can’t get off the phone fast enough. I don’t understand. We were doing well, and now it feels like it’s all negated. Why would he go back and forth like this?”

This Can Be Normal Behavior: I know that this feels very discouraging, but if it makes you feel any better, it can be normal. I wish I could tell you that my progress was linear during my own separation, but it most definitely was not. There were times when it felt like my husband was never going to make up his mind, no matter what I did. There were times when he treated me worse than a stranger and times when he was downright nostalgic and borderline loving. 

The Reasons Behind It: There are many reasons that you may be seeing this behavior, but I think the most common is that sometimes he misses you or he feels like reaching out and other times he wants to stay the course, take his time, have his space, and just wait and see as to how this is going to play out. This is especially true when things are still somewhat new, and you haven’t been separated for very long. 

Many separated husbands feel like if you reconcile and things go back to normal too soon, then what was the point of separating?

His going back and forth doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done anything wrong or that you’ve committed any errors or overstepped. It just may mean that it’s natural for him to want to take his time and make sure that you both evaluate deeply and tread carefully.

Finding Perspective:  I’m not going to tell you to look on the bright side. That would be condescending and silly. But I can tell you that not all wives have even sporadic contact and short periods of progress. They have radio silence most of the time. They don’t even have those glimmers of hope that you are getting.

I know it’s confusing and frustrating to you, but I feel I’d rather have some hopeful contact than none at all because that means if you have patience and play your cards right, then you may have constructive and positive contact once again in the future.

Handling This Prudently: Early on in my own separation, I would have forced myself on my husband in this situation. I’d hope that by pushing him, I’d nudge him to pay attention to me again. But I know from experience that would have only caused him to pull away. 

As I learned, you are arguably better off trying to remain positive when you do communicate. You are better off being patient. You can always try to initiate contact in a light-hearted, low-pressure way to see if he responds. But if he doesn’t, it is better to know that if you can make him think of you positively, the chances are good that sometime soon, he will miss you and will reach out to you again.

One of the biggest lessons I learned during my own separation was patience. I wanted it to end in weeks, but looking back now, that was never going to happen. And by rushing it and forcing it, I only delayed our progress. I only made my husband want to avoid me.

I know it’s challenging to have faith in the fact that he will come around. But he’s already shown that he’s willing to do so. He did not develop the doubts that contributed to the separation overnight, and he probably won’t overcome these doubts overnight, either.

You can help yourself by working on the solo issues that you can. I know that it takes two, but you can work on your own attitude, willingness to compromise, and perceptions of the issues you’ll have to tackle. Many times, spending some time apart will make you see things you couldn’t see before. It will change your perceptions, and eventually your attitudes and behaviors.  

You have time to work on these things while you are being patient. Don’t make the common mistakes that so many of us make and push before he is ready to move forward. Sure, you can be slick when you have his positive attention, but for now, you have to be methodical and deliberate. 

It was hard for me to learn this lesson initially, but I had no choice.  If I had kept pushing, I’d be divorced, rather than still married, today.  You can read about how I got things together at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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