Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s always a huge plus when separated parents give their kids unlimited access to both parents during a separation. Being able to spend adequate time with both parents can make the transition a bit easier and can be reassuring for kids. Therefore, most separated wives are very relieved when their husband comes around regularly for the sake of the kids.

However, she can also have very hurt feelings when it is clear that he is coming only for the kids and that he has no interest in spending any time with her.

She might say, “I know I’m being a bit silly and petty, and I don’t want to be. But I’m so hurt at how my separated husband is acting when he comes over. And it’s selfish because he’s honestly being the great father my children deserve. But I had so hoped that we would be making some progress on our marriage by now. I still love him. I want to see him smile when he sees me, at least. He’s definitely smiling when he comes over here. But it is not for me. It is because he’s able to see his kids after not seeing them as much, which is understandable. He lights up when he sees them, and he’s relaxed and happy here. But he absolutely goes out of his way not to interact with me. He sort of looks at me like he thinks I should leave and give him alone time with the kids. But I don’t. I want to see him as much as he wants to see the kids. I try to be respectful. I don’t impede on or interrupt his time. But I wish he’d have even the slightest interest in interacting with me, and he doesn’t. Will this ever change? Or is he just establishing that he’s not in any way interested?”

Of course it can change. My husband showed absolutely no interest in me at the beginning of our separation, and I’m still married. Things can evolve during a separation, certainly. Right now, things are new and volatile. It can be normal that you aren’t seeing all the right signs yet. 

He May Want to Reassure His Children That They are His Top Priority:  It can be very hard for one parent to suddenly have to live under a different roof than their children. And that same parent can worry that the kids are feeling the same kind of difficulties. So his top priority might be making the kids feel loved and secure. And he may feel that he can tackle your relationship in the future. I understand that it doesn’t feel great when you feel like the last priority, but he may feel that the kids are less likely to understand what is happening than you are.

Don’t Delay Progress by Pushing: I know you might want to nudge him to pay attention to you and your relationship. It’s painful to feel ignored. It’s confusing as to why he’s not prioritizing you. But be very careful. Believe it or not, you do have an advantage. Your separated husband is very willingly coming over to your home. He’s relaxed and enjoying himself while he is there. That is huge. Sure, he’s enjoying himself because of the kids, but that’s at least something.

I hear from many people whose separated husband won’t even be in the same room with them. You can build on this comfort eventually. You don’t want to jeopardize that by making him feel awkward. You don’t want to jeopardize what he’s doing with his kids.

How to Gradually Encourage More Contact With You:  Right now, I would suggest allowing things to continue as they are for a while. This is somewhat new, so there is going to be an adjustment period, and he likely needs time to see that his kids are okay. 

Just try to encourage more comfort with you in the same room, participating in the same conversations, and interacting together as a family. Once that is comfortable and you are no longer getting the vibe that he doesn’t want you there, then perhaps you can ask him to have coffee when the kids are in school and it is just the two of you.

If he refuses, back up again. Keep things casual and make sure that he is still comfortable coming to your home. While you are waiting for things to change, work on your own needs and goals. He is not the only one who is having to adjust to a new way of life. So are you. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

Self-Evolution: When I look back at my own separation, I realize that I’m not the same person I was then. As weird as it is to say now, some parts of the separation caused positive changes. It wasn’t easy. There were times when I felt like it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was sure I was going to be divorced. I got depressed. I had to force myself to prioritize myself, to surround myself with positive people, and to remember that there were other important things going on in my life. 

But once I got myself together, I made some very positive – and needed – changes. Yes, I admit that I only made some of them because I knew I needed to for the sake of my marriage. But now that time has passed, I can see that the changes benefitted me as well. 

Be open to these types of changes, since you have some spare time anyway. Try to see this as an opportunity for improvement instead of a punishment. You do have some advantages that other separated wives do not have. So work hard not to jeopardize that while building slowly so that eventually, your separated husband is happy to see both you and the kids. 

I wish I could tell you that I took the right path during my own separation.  I did not.  I pushed, made a pest of myself, and almost jeopardized any chance at a reconciliation.  I’d be very happy if I could help others not make the same mistakes.  You can read about how I turned it around at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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