Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear with wives who are running out of patience during their marital separation. While many of them are grateful for the contact and access that they do have with their husbands, they almost always stress that life is nowhere near normal. Sure, their husband may come around and still be invested in family life, but he’s not even close to being invested in being a couple again. And so it feels as if life remains in limbo since no one will address the elephant in the room.

A wife might say, “My husband and I have been separated for about a month, and this has been the toughest four weeks of my life. We’ve been together for nearly a decade, and have been mostly happy. However, over the last year, many stressors have come into our life. My husband took on a highly stressful job that requires long hours. After a year of trying to conceive, we decided to begin fertility treatments. I am not sure if these stressful events have contributed to my husband’s feelings. But out of nowhere, he announced that his feelings for me have changed. He suggested counseling, and the counselor eventually suggested a trial separation. It was easier for me to go live with my parents, who are very close to my husband. Perhaps this is why my husband comes around so much. He helps my dad with chores and attends family dinners. He is in touch every day. But sometimes, this is just a quick text. He will occasionally hold my hand or show affection, but it’s all very light and doesn’t feel all that sincere. He never talks about my coming back home. He never tells me that he misses me or talks about a future together. Sometimes, I feel like he’s stalling because he’s waiting to see if his feelings for me will come back since so far, they haven’t seemed to. This is all quite confusing to me. Sometimes I wonder whether he’s just present so much because he doesn’t want my parents to think less of him. He seems to care more about their perceptions than mine. I haven’t asked him how he feels because I’m afraid of his reply. I try to go with the flow, but it breaks my heart how far away from normal things are. It doesn’t feel like we’re making much progress. I hate living in limbo like this. Is there anything that I can do?”

An Important Perspective: I think that there are a few things that you can do, but before I make these suggestions, I’d like to try to put things in perspective. I understand how much of a struggle this can be. I remember the pain of facing an undisclosed but an additional amount of time away from my husband and from regular life during my own separation. It seemed almost unbearable.

However, I hear from many women who are on the other end of the spectrum. Their husband is never in contact. He blocks them in every way that he can. When these wives attempt to initiate any contact at all, they look like crazy stalkers, when all they are trying to do is open a line of communication.

It is like pulling teeth for these wives to get their husbands to engage in any way. And it’s very difficult to make any progress when you aren’t communicating at all. I know firsthand that your situation isn’t ideal, but I promise that it could be so much worse.

I don’t mean to minimize your pain or frustration. But there is often a path to walk between separation and reconciliation. You are MILES ahead of the women who have husbands who don’t communicate or show anything but apathy or even disdain.

How To Feel Like You’re Doing Something While You’re Waiting (And Which Actions To Avoid): I would never tell you to just wait patiently while it feels like you’re aimlessly treading water. But it’s important that you chose proactive activities that will help rather than hurt.

I know how tempting it is to just come right out and abruptly demand to know where you stand or to act in such a way that is going to force him to tell you.

But here’s the problem with that. Your husband likely isn’t yet sure where either of you stands. That’s why he’s still maintaining contact – because he seems relatively sure he is not ready to walk away. But he also doesn’t appear quite ready to just resume life the way that it was. He’s not giving you an answer because he doesn’t yet have it.

But if you demand one, you are pressuring him to give you an answer before he’s ready, which likely increases the chances that you get the answer you may not like.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to attend counseling, on your own if necessary. That doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to live the parts of your life that aren’t directly tied in with your marriage. We all have jobs, friends, volunteerism, extended family, and hobbies that continue on, evolve, or even become enhanced when we have extra time to devote more attention to them.

I found that it was vital for me to stay busy during my own separation, and I always felt better when I used that time to help or spend time with others.

I promise that every way that you strengthen yourself during your separation will pay huge dividends toward a better marriage when you reconcile.

Getting The Answers You Want Without Applying Pressure: If you just can’t remain silent about your limbo separation status, you can always ask your husband vague, low-pressure questions like, “Does it feel that we’re making progress at all?”

If he isn’t enthusiastic about answering, don’t push. You obviously realize that your husband is under a good deal of stress.  You don’t want to give him any excuse to associate that stress with you. Instead, you want to associate being with you as a relief to the stress.

Always ask yourself if the action you are considering will make your reconciliation more or less likely. If the answer is less likely, wait. Note that the action you likely want to take the most is the action that may be the riskiest. Learn to resist the urge, or at least force yourself to wait and think on it. I found that instead of being pushy, I was much better off being playful.

Because there are other ways that he will tell you what you need to know. When you do make substantial progress, you’ll see his enthusiasm and participation increase. You’ll see less inconsistency in his behavior. His change in tone will become obvious enough that you no longer need to second guess yourself nearly as much.

I know that it may feel like this day will never come, but it is sometimes just around the corner. You are already at a position I encourage wives to strive for (regular contact) and you can build upon this. Yes, I know that the pace is gradual and I know that the timeframe is frustrating, but being patient is often a better alternative than pushing and regretting it.

Try to make the time more tolerable by participating in activities that improve your outlook and situation and by surrounding yourself with people who love and support you.

You can read about how I eventually got my own marriage back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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