Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It is an awful feeling when you are separated and your spouse cuts off all communication with you. This is especially true if you want to save your marriage. Sometimes, the spouse pursuing the separation will promise that it’s only going to be a temporary thing with communication throughout. But once the separation actually happens, the story changes. He doesn’t take or answer your calls and he seems to be avoiding you. That’s why it can feel like such a huge victory when he finally starts to communicate again. This shift in stance can create a lot of confusion and questions, though.

A wife might say: “we have been separated for nearly eleven weeks. I think my husband probably tricked me into this. Because he promised that he only needed a short amount of time alone and then insinuated that we would see each other often. No sooner was he out the door than I could no longer get ahold of him no matter what method I tried. This went on for weeks. The other day, out of the blue, he called me. And he admitted that he missed me. And we had a nice conversation. Now, we talk somewhat regularly, although it is not as much as I’d like. I’m getting very hopeful that he’s going to come back because we’re communicating again, but my mom says I am getting way ahead of myself. Am I? Is it a reasonable assumption that when you start communicating with your separated spouse that he’s going to come home?”

From experience, I think that this is a reasonable hope. I do not know if I would call it a reasonable expectation (at least not quite yet) and here is why. Communication is great. It is a reason to feel very hopeful. But it is only the very beginning. When you’re separated and you’ve just started to communicate after a period of silence, then your relationship is at a point where it’s extremely fragile.

Sometimes, You Don’t See A Straight Line To A Reconciliation: It’s normal to see very hopeful periods followed by cooling down periods as the spouse who initiated the separation feels a bit of confusion as to what he wants. So one day he may be almost loving and the next day he might pull away again. This is all normal. And it’s not always a bad sign. But it will often mean that there is not a straight line between the time the communication resumes to the time when he comes home again.

You Have Every Right To Be Hopeful, But Be Cautious Of Being Overzealous: I am not saying that a quick reconciliation is impossible and I would never discourage you from hoping for this. But, I would caution you to not let this hope cause you to be overzealous in your approach. One of the things that I see often are wives understandably becoming so excited when they finally get the communication that they’ve wanted. Because of this excitement, they think that it is only a matter of time before he comes home and they make this expectation obvious to their husbands. Their excitement is on full display for all t0 see.

But when you have a husband who isn’t sure what he wants, this enthusiasm can scare him. He can begin to think that maybe he was mistaken for reaching out to you because although he may want to reconcile eventually and maybe even soon, he’s not looking to move back home tomorrow. He often wants to move toward this gradually so that the two of you can have the luxury of evaluating your progress and seeing what you still need to work on.

Understanding The Risk Of A Pace That Is Too Fast: This quicker pace can cause your husband to back away and to slow or stop the communication. So you go from being thrilled and excited to being disappointed and wondering what you have done wrong.

To avoid this, it’s best to take things somewhat slowly. Of course you hope this means that he’s coming home, but you don’t have to make it obvious. Instead, look at it as if things are definitely improving and are hopeful about the future.  You want to build on this so that you can experience even more improvements – with every one of them bringing him even one stop closer to being home.

I know you’re tired of him being gone and you want him back home yesterday. But trust me when I say that it’s an awful feeling to have all of your progress negated because you acted too soon or pushed too hard. And once this happens, it’s hard to get that rapport back because your husband is on his guard. He’s thinking that every nice thing he says or does is going to make you believe his return home is imminent.

Embrace Your Wonderful Start And Continue To Build: I’d suggest enjoying the conversation and continuing on with it. It’s a great start. It’s very encouraging. But it is a start. And how you react today may dictate the outcome tomorrow. Which is why I’d suggest that you don’t push and you don’t make assumptions that haven’t been shown to be true quite yet. To be sure, you have every reason to feel encouraged and happy. Follow that path just a little longer without any pressure so that you don’t have to take a step backward.

Unfortunately, I say this from experience.  During my own separation, I got overly excited quite a few times, only to have my hopes dashed and only to have to start over.  I finally learned that it was best to take it slowly and this gradual pace is what made a reconciliation possible. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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