Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from spouses who realize that it’s important to give their spouse some space during the trial separation. Many are also fully aware that this time is best used for working on themselves and for allowing the distance to create a longing for one another so that their marriage actually improves during the separation.

And this strategy can sound extremely plausible. It’s easy to understand why it is necessary. But actually carrying it out might be a bit more difficult than you think. Because in real life, it’s possible that you’re always going to be fighting the urge to say and demonstrate how you really feel so that backing off a little bit can be extremely difficult.

Common comments are things like: “I know that it’s very important to give my husband his space during our separation. The whole reason that he pursued this separation was for his space. So I understand why my backing off is necessary, but it’s very hard. Because I always feel as if I am fighting my true feelings. I want to call him. I want to tell him that I love him. I want to beg him to reassure me that this is all going to be OK. I want to tell him that I miss him so much that it is sometimes hard for me to sleep at night. And I am tempted to admit that I dream about our early days when we were so in love and before the trouble started. In my mind, I know that it’s best not to blindly disclose all of these things. But my heart doesn’t seem to know this. And I almost feel like a liar holding all of this back. It almost feels dishonest. Part of me just wants to let him see the truth. How is the best way to handle this? Should I just continue on as I have been by hiding my true feelings?”

Why Full Disclosure And Brutal Honesty Can Backfire: These questions really hit home for me because I have been in this situation. But unlike this wife, I began our separation being very transparent about my feelings until it became obvious that this wasn’t the best approach. When I felt like calling my husband, I called him despite the fact that it was almost always obvious that he wasn’t thrilled to hear from me. It wasn’t until it became very clear that I had to create a little distance or lose my husband that I embraced the backoff strategy. And this was simply because it was clear that I had no other choice.

How To Handle It When This Strategy Is Beyond Hard: Yes, backing off was very difficult. Some days, I had to put away my cell phone and I had to make retrieving it difficult so that I wouldn’t continue to reach out too much. When things got very bad, I drove hours to get back to my hometown and spend time with my parents, partly because I knew that this would make the self-imposed distance easier. I hated every minute of this and it was a constant struggle within myself. And yes, at times I felt as if I was faking my feelings and not being completely true to myself. This was very difficult. And looking back, I think that the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I could see very clearly that this strategy was improving things between us. There was a very clear difference between the times when I was clinging too tightly and the times where I wasn’t. My husband was much more receptive to me when I kept a bit of distance. So, as painful as this strategy was, I knew that I had to stay with it because it was working.

You Can Set Your Own Standards: Did this strategy of mine make me a fraud? Maybe. But I did have standards with this. I knew that it was never going to be acceptable for me to out and out lie or speak untruths. I never wavered on the fact that it was my greatest hope to reconcile with my husband if we could ever get it together in a way that made this possible. I also never pretended that I was or intended to date anyone else, nor did I ever pretend to not care about my husband or what happened between us.

And yes, I guess this sometimes made me feel as if I were fighting my true feelings. But I knew what my true feelings were and I expressed them in my journal quite regularly. I also believe that deep down, my husband was well aware of how I truly felt. Yes, he might have thought that this whole process made me so tired and discouraged that I needed to back away, but I don’t think that either of us ever questioned my love for and commitment to him. So while I may not have been displaying my feelings so openly and so regularly, I think that my husband and I both always knew that they were there.

Focusing On The Bottom Line And Not Necessarily The Method: It did feel odd and a little sad not to be able to express them freely. But at the same time, I was willing to do this as long as it appeared that it was continuing to help my situation. I suppose that I would answer the original question by saying that I understand that this is painful and that it sometimes feels as if you’re not being completely true to your feelings. But at the same time, I also feel that the end most definitely justifies the means. If not constantly expressing your feelings allows your husband the distance that he needs in order to be more receptive to you and to eventually reconcile, then to me, this is worth it. Yes, you need an outlet for those feelings and you shouldn’t deny them. But sometimes it’s best that the outlet isn’t your husband, at least for a little while.

As I alluded to, I did have to back away dramatically during my own separation.  It was painful.  But it was worth it because it allowed me to make the progress that saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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