Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that there can be a lot of uncertainty and isolation during a marital separation. This is especially true if you are the one who desperately wants to reconcile while your spouse is much less sure, or even outright reluctant. This can actually be a little humiliating because it can feel as you have no control over your own fate. You can feel like you are at the mercy of someone else’s whims. At the same time, you don’t want to just bow out because this is your marriage and you want to save it. I understand the frustration.

A wife might explain it this way: “my husband is the one who wanted the separation. When he first presented it to me, I thought that my world was over. I thought that being separated was the worst that things could possibly get. Turns out, I was wrong about that. I never considered that I might actually end up divorced. But it appears that things may be headed that way. In my own mind, I thought that we would separate, but always with an eye toward working things out. Sure, I figured that we would have some tough weeks or months. But I eventually thought that those weeks and months would be over. I guess I was wrong because my husband is telling me that he is not willing to reconcile right now and that he may not ever be willing. He says that we have too much conflict and he worries that we are just not compatible enough. So of course, this leaves me with trying to be overly agreeable in order to show him that we CAN be compatible and that we don’t have to have conflict. But of course, it’s all a bit unfair. It’s his way all the time. It’s what he wants to do all of the time. He holds all of the cards and I find myself resenting it. But if I try to push for what I want or for what I think is right, then I can literally feel his frustration and I feel him back away. So I can’t win. And I can’t say what I really think or want. It’s so very frustrating. Because I feel like I will have to do whatever is necessary to make a reconciliation happen, but I am sure not going to like it. It’s humiliating to have to follow him around like a puppy dog and be basically a robot accepting all of his requests.”

I understand how you feel. I was initially over accommodating during my own separation. But I have to tell you that despite my sticking with that strategy for a frustratingly long period of time, I’m not sure that it helped a great deal. Although it might have spared some anger all around, it made me look like a pushover and my husband treated me accordingly. I felt disrespected and eventually lashed out accordingly also.

My point is, I don’t know if acting in a way that you personally find humiliating (and understandably so) is going to help the situation in the long run. Your husband may be well aware that your being this accommodating isn’t exactly 100% genuine and can’t possibly last. I know that it can feel like a no-win situation, but I think it’s important to find the compromise in the middle.

There is a difference between being on your best behavior and forcing yourself to act in a way that goes against everything you are and what you believe. Being on your best behavior means being agreeable, but genuine. If you pretend to believe in something that you truly don’t, there will be a price to pay for this eventually.

I know that these times feel desperate because I have been there, but feeling desperate and ACTING desperate are two different things. Think about how you would respond to your husband if he acted desperate and just automatically said “yes” or agreed with everything. Eventually, your respect level for him might drop and, as a result, your attraction and interest in him might eventually follow suit if nothing changes over a long period of time.

I’m certainly not suggesting that now is the time to argue or debate with your husband because it isn’t. But I also don’t think that you want to just blindly agree to everything when you find it humiliating and it bothers you so much. Because frankly, that is a huge part of what trying to reconcile during a separation is – you’re trying to find that sweet spot where you’re both giving more than you take, and yet you both feel as if it’s worth the effort.

If you don’t feel that way, perhaps its time to take a bit of a cooling off period. You don’t need to argue about this or even make a huge production out of it. When I began to get frustrated during my own separation, I actually traveled to my old home to visit friends and family for a while. This extended break wasn’t meant in retaliation or anything like that. I simply needed a break. I knew that what I was doing wasn’t working, so pausing those efforts certainly couldn’t hurt – especially when those efforts weren’t effective anyway. Much to my surprise, my husband showed more respect to (and interest in) me when I returned and this was the turning point that made a reconciliation possible.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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