My Separated Husband Is Accusing Me Of Using The Kids To Have Access To Him
It’s understandable for a separated wife who misses her husband to want regular communication, especially when he’s been reluctant to provide it. One thing that married couples (even separated ones) have regular conversations about is their children. It’s completely normal for a separated wife to initiate conversations about the kids. Sometimes, however, a husband will accuse her of using the kids in an attempt to gain access to him. And now the wife has one additional problem to deal with.
She might say, “I will admit that I often find reasons to get my separated husband to talk to me. I did not anticipate that the separation would go this badly. My husband never returns my calls. He never wants to have a decent conversation. For the past couple of months, my son has had issues at school. So yes, I do call my husband about these issues. If I were in my husband’s shoes, I would definitely want to know about everything that is going on with my son. But yesterday, my husband angrily asked why I was calling him again since we’d just talked about my son the day before. I tried to explain that I was calling because something new happened. I was trying to keep him informed. He didn’t buy my explanation and said that I should switch to weekly calls. Or I should just let my kids tell him about any issues. Then he accused me of using the kids to talk to him. I am hurt by this accusation. It’s always been clear that he wants his space, but I didn’t think that the kids would be off-limits. I get that he doesn’t care about me, but does he not care about his children anymore? Does this mean that I have to be the only person who worries about the kids?”
Understanding The The Potential Reasons Behind His Accusation: I don’t think that you have to take conversations about the kids off the table. I think that you might be more successful if you change your communication style. Many husbands who initiate a separation to gain “space” or “time” become extremely protective of that space. As a result, they will often bristle when you attempt a perfectly legitimate conversation.
When we separated, my husband became so distant that he avoided me when I communicated too much. So I can tell you that sometimes, it’s best to back away a little and let him come to you.
I also think that you can simultaneously back away and communicate about your son by changing the phone calls to texts or emails. Written communication means that your husband can receive the message when it’s convenient and that he doesn’t have to verbally communicate if he doesn’t wish to. The next time you want to communicate about your son, text or email him the details and state that he can call you if he wants to talk about it further. That way, he can’t accuse you of using to your son to communicate with him, because you’ve limited the topic of conversation and allowed him to decide if he wants to follow up.
The Importance Of A Long-Term Plan Toward A More Hopeful Future: I know that it can be very difficult to back away when you are so afraid of losing your husband and your marriage. But pushing does you no good if it causes your husband to avoid you. Plus, you want to encourage a good relationship between your children and their father. You don’t want any miscommunication between the two of you to disrupt their relationship.
It’s scary to let your spouse come to you and to willingly limit your communication for the sake of long-term gains, but sometimes this strategy can be extremely beneficial. I used it with my own husband when I felt that I had no other choice. I knew that I was going to lose him if I continued to push.
I was terrified that if I waited for him to call me, he never would. It took a while, but he eventually began to be the one to continuously initiate the contact and this significantly changed things. I honestly think that this shift allowed us to reconcile.
You absolutely should continue to keep your children’s father informed about their well-being, but I would suggest limiting the written messages to only that – the children. When your husband is ready to talk about topics other than the kids, he will let you know. Pushing him before he’s ready does more harm than good. In my experience, pushing is the worst thing that you can do. It almost cost me my marriage.
As I alluded to, I attempted to communicate way too much during my own separation. As a result, my husband began to ignore me and I knew that my behavior was only going to further deteriorate the situation. So I forced myself to back away. Much to my shock, he began to pursue me. There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
