My Separated Husband Genuinely Seems Much Happier Alone. How Is This Possible?
Understandably, many separated wives feel horrible despair as soon as their husband leaves the house to begin a marital separation. Many wives attempt to console themselves with the hope that, with any luck, their husband will find that he misses his home and his marriage quite quickly. Some wives find this to be the case. Unfortunately, this is not true of everyone. Some find the opposite to be true – that the husband seems much happier alone.
A wife might explain, “This is going to sound terrible, but I am unhappy that my husband is happy. We are newly separated. I did not want to even ‘try’ any sort of trial separation, but he was not going to accept anything but his moving out. He is living with friends right now rather than getting his own place because we just can’t afford it. This pandemic has cut into both of our incomes. This is a very difficult time on so many levels. Yet, every time I talk to my husband, he seems almost giddy. It’s very obvious that he is much happier by himself. I ran into a mutual friend this morning, and she said that she’d seen my husband at a restaurant and that ‘he looked better than he has in a long time.’ This was a kick in the gut. It is like getting away from me was all it took for him to gain a new lease on life. Here we are at a scary time in history with everyone’s health at risk, and it seems that my husband has never been more satisfied with his life. What does this say about his feelings for me and our marriage? I was hopeful last week, but I am quickly losing hope.”
Positive Possibilities: Don’t lose hope. It is not uncommon for one or both of the spouses to feel what I would describe as relief in the beginning days of separation. Why? There are a couple of possibilities. First, there can be a reprieve when there is finally some sort of action. Even if the action is not ideal, it’s not uncommon to feel like one can finally let out the breath they have been holding when there is finally direction rather than just treading water. Now that a decision has been made – any decision – it may feel easier to move forward.
Second, these are strange days. I have a couple of friends who have been so incredibly upbeat during the coronavirus. When I ask them how they stay so positive, they say, “you know, I’m just grateful to be alive. I’m just grateful that my kids are healthy. Everything else can be dealt with later.” Some people really are able to break life down into its most simple components at times like this.
Third, your husband may be enjoying spending time with his friends. It could have kind of a sleepover vibe that probably can’t last for very much longer because the novelty will eventually wear off.
Moving Foward With An Eye Toward Eventual Reconciliation: I know it is disheartening to imagine that he is living it up while you are feeling so alone, but sometimes, looks can be deceiving. Once he “settles” into his new life, he might find that he very much misses the secure, familiar home that he built with you. It can take a bit of time for that realization to hit him. And sometimes, even when it does, he will try to hide it from you. Why? Because he doesn’t want to concede that perhaps you were right.
He is the one who pushed so hard to live separately, so it’s doubtful that he is going to admit that he was wrong so quickly, if at all. He likely will want you to think that he is coping just fine – or better than fine.
That is why you have to be careful and avoid pushing too aggressively for confirmation or reassurance. If he sees you doing this, he may resist any positive feelings of longing even more strongly, which is the opposite of what you want.
Instead, you just want to try to be open with and to him. If you begin with an adverse stance, things can go downhill very quickly. I learned the hard way that it is always best to lead with kindness and to keep in mind that you want to be work with him rather than against him. Ideally, you both understand that you are on the same team.
In a perfect world, you love him and therefore, you want him to be happy. In the real world (especially during a pandemic) this isn’t so easy. Still, it’s important that he doesn’t think that you are actually rooting for him to be miserable, or at least to feel the doubt or fear that you are feeling.
In truth, you don’t 100% know that he isn’t feeling these things deep down or in secret. If he isn’t, he may well be feeling them soon. In the meantime, know that things can change quickly during your separation. That is why it is so important to not panic and not to give up.
In the dark days of my own separation, I allowed my panic to drive my behavior in unfortunate ways, which was very detrimental to my chances to save my marriage. Don’t make the same mistake. Luckily, I was eventually able to regroup and get my husband interested and receptive again. But there was definitely a period of time where things looked very dire. If I had given up, I would not be married. That whole story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
