Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: People often assume that if they can just get their separated husband to come home, then things are hopefully going to work out just fine eventually. They figure if they can just overcome that biggest hurdle of him returning to them, then that is the biggest of their problems solved. But many find out that getting him to come home is just the beginning. Because it is very common for the relationship to struggle once this finally happens.

I might hear from a wife who describes it this way: “my husband and I were separated for about six weeks. During the separation, he came over quite a bit to see the kids, so we were in regular touch. A couple of weeks into it, he started telling me that he felt ‘lost’ without us. So I suspected that he wanted to come home, but I figured that it was best to let him ask me about coming home, which he eventually did. The problem is that he is very formal around me now. He will give me a peck on the lips before he goes to work and before bed. But that is the extent of it. When we have sex, it is very mechanical and certainly nothing special. I had always assumed that once we got back together, our relationship would have improved significantly and it would almost be like a second honeymoon. It is almost the opposite of this. I talked this over with my mother and my mother-in-law and they both say that I expect too much after being married for ten years. The thing is, I have friends who have been married for much longer than this who have marriages that aren’t as platonic as ours. Am I wrong to expect more? Is this how it’s going to be forever? Is everyone right?”

Here is my opinion, although that is all it is. Your mother and mother in law are only giving you their opinion also. And they are likely basing their opinions on their own marriages, which are obviously long term. I do hear from a lot of people who tell me that their marriage changes with age, but not all of them are unhappy about it. And I think that this is truly the key – whether or not it works for you and whether or not you are unhappy in it, which obviously you are.

It is my belief that you get a chance to make the marriage that you want each time you interact with your spouse and this is especially true after a separation. But this isn’t always as an easy a process as it would appear, especially if you didn’t do extensive work on the marriage during the separation.

Many times, the couple finds that they miss one another and that they are no more happy being separated than they were living under the same roof. So, they will make the joint decision that the spouse who left should now come home so that they can live together once again and reconcile.

This all sounds good so far, right? But problems can arise when you realize (and start to feel the consequences of) the fact that you really never did anything to address or solve your problems. Therefore, the same problems are going to follow you through your reconciliation and make things awkward because of it.

By no means does this indicate that you need to settle for less than you want, though. It’s not too late to do the work. And it’s certainly not too late to work on serious improvements to your marriage that can significantly bump up your happiness level.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I can not tell you how many people I hear from who are absolutely desperate to get their spouse to move back home when all hope seems to have been lost. They would give anything to have the hurdle of getting him home over with now only have the hurdle of bringing the passion back.

I’m not saying that you are petty to want the passion because you aren’t. This is an important part of your marriage and you are right to want it back. But getting the passion back is often easier than getting him to come home and it is very doable with a little patience and effective, hard work.

So to address the question posed, no, you don’t have to accept a passionless marriage, but I would suggest counting your blessings that he is home and then working very hard on understanding what caused the separation in the first place, and, once this is addressed, then address the intimacy and passion.

When my husband came home, the passion did not miraculously return.  It took time.  And it took work.  And it took taking some risks and doing things in new and different ways.  If you find it helpful, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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