Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives visit this blog because they are looking for a plan that allows them more access to their separated husband. Unfortunately, many are dealing with a man who makes himself unavailable or who is taking his demand for space literally. Some wives worry that the only common denominator that they currently have is the kids. And no one wants to play that card.

A wife might say, “I am very reluctantly separated. I tried everything in my power to talk my husband out of leaving our home. Nothing worked. He has it in his head that he needs tons of time away from me and our family. He does maintain contact, but only with regards to seeing or talking to the kids. If I try to get him to talk to me personally, he will remind me that he is ‘taking his space.’ I don’t feel that I have any choice but to respect this. So I pack up the kids, I put on a happy face, and I feel like I will have no opportunity to save my marriage now because he keeps me at a distance. How can you save your marriage when you have very limited access to your husband?”

I believe that you CAN do this. That is the good news, but here is the not-so-good news. You may have to accept a very gradual pace. You may have to accept that this is going to be a journey that takes longer than you might like. But, on the flip side, the gradual pace offers gifts sometimes. It means that you will eventually have confidence that you are on solid footing when any reconciliation happens because you took things slowly. Here are some tips for gradually saving your marriage when you have limited access.

Take And Seize Upon Small “Ins:” When I was in a similar situation during my own separation, I made the mistake of trying to pressure my husband to give me more access to him. I pushed. I attempted to make him feel guilty. And I pretended like I didn’t hear his repeated requests for space. Of course, all these strategies did was give me even less access than before. In my observation, these strategies make your husband cling even more tightly to his privacy. Try not to make these mistakes, because they can be very costly.

Instead, look for tiny little “ins.” For example, in this situation, the kids were the common denominator. (But even if you don’t have kids, there is usually a shared interest like pets, the house, extended family, etc. that gives you something to have a conversation about.) When your husband initiates a conversation about these common interests, speak about that topic very pleasantly. Don’t try to veer off it initially. Answer what he has asked in the most agreeable way possible.

Then, at the end of that conversation, sincerely ask him how he is doing. I don’t see this as overstepping. You are both going through a life change. He is still your husband. You still care about him. It is natural to want to know how he is faring.

Listen without interrupting. He may give you a very simple answer that doesn’t allow for any followup. Sometimes, though, he will open up, even if it is just a little. See if he will allow open-ended questions that allow you to take on a positive, caring tone.

Remember, you are NOT looking to debate about your marriage or the separation right now. You are merely asking how he is doing and trying to get him to open up, even if it is just a little. Don’t allow this to go on for longer than is natural. If there is an opportunity to do so, express that you are there for him and leave it at that. Then, wait for the next opportunity.

The next time he calls about the shared interest, once again, stick to the topic at hand. Then, at the end, once again, ask about him personally. If possible, build upon the last positive conversation.

Hopefully, by now, you see how this works very gradually. You have to keep positive communication. And, as this positive communication allows, you begin to build. And you begin to veer away from the shared interest.

The goal is to ease into additional conversations that are not about the shared interest. But know that this can take time. And that you have to be careful. If you feel you’ve pushed too far, end the conversation positively and know that you may need to try again later.

Building On A Pattern Of Positive Conversations: Know that these conversations may need to go on for some time before you attempt to branch out. In fact, I learned first hand that you should not attempt to ask for more until you are relatively sure that your husband will be receptive. It is very frustrating to have to start from square one when you have pushed too far.

That said, some people have had success using the shared interest as a starting point to branch out into marriage-saving activities. For example, counseling focused on co-parenting kids has led to marital counseling. Meeting your spouse with your shared pet offers a positive, fun way to see him on a regular basis. Inviting him to a birthday gathering for an extended family member is a natural way to see him in a fun setting.

But, only try this once you are regularly talking about things OTHER than the shared interest so that this seems like a natural progression.

When Taking Drastic Steps Forward, Let Him Initiate A New Form Of Contact: The next step would be seeing one another in a romantic setting or on a date. This can feel quite drastic when you’ve only been talking or seeing one another in very casual ways. I realize that I am being very conservative when I suggest that you allow him to be the one to initiate romantic meetings. However, I know first hand that your relationship can be extremely delicate when you are separated. It is so easy to overstep and then have him distance himself again.

I learned that you are just better off allowing him to initiate this. I forced myself to do this and it worked.

Notice that I haven’t even talked about saving your marriage yet. That’s because I learned that it is very important to re-establish a playful sense of intimacy before you even attempt any heavy lifting on your marriage. And there will be plenty of time for that later. For now, you just want to get him willing again.

And when he’s limiting your access to him, worrying about saving your marriage can be saved for later, unless you are willing to risk scaring him off. For me, it was not worth the risk. I am glad I waited because I was ultimately able to save my marriage – eventually. You are welcome to read that entire story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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