Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who’ve actually gotten good news but are still quite discouraged. Their separated husband has admitted that he still cares for or even loves them. But the wives feel that it doesn’t matter because, despite all of this, the husband doesn’t want to be together. He’s claiming that he isn’t going to act on these feelings quite yet. So what does it matter if he still cares when it doesn’t change things? I’ll answer this question below.

A wife might say, “I don’t have specific things that I can complain about during this separation. Of course I miss my husband. Of course I’d give anything for things to be different. But I must admit that I see my husband all of the time. We still laugh and, most of the time, we still enjoy each other’s company. Last night my husband blurted out how much he misses me. I told him that I was glad that he missed me, but I told him that I’d prefer if he still had real feelings for me. His response was that he did. I was a bit shocked by this, so I demanded to know why we weren’t together. If he still loves me, and we’re getting along really well, why would he not want to be with me? His response was that it was complicated. And he abruptly insisted that we change the subject. Frankly, he was distant afterward. And now I’m left shaking my head in frustration and confusion. He presented the separation as something he needed to do to sort out his feelings. And now he’s telling me that his feelings are still there. What in the world could still be the problem then?”

Your husband is obviously the most qualified person to answer this question. But I’d be willing to bet that he’s not exactly coming forward with a straight answer. I have dialogued with couples in this situation, so I can share some insights and theories in the hopes that some of these suggestions may seem familiar and ring true.

It’s Not About His Feelings For You: I am not suggesting that your husband was being deceptive when he told you that he wanted to separate to sort out his feelings. But so often, the reasons behind a separation are complicated and multi-faceted. The issues that you were having may have made his feelings less clear. But that doesn’t mean that the issues have now disappeared or that he no longer has concerns about them.

I’ll tell you something that I’ve firmly come to believe. Most separated people will tell you that they still love their spouse. They admit this freely because it isn’t the love that is in question. There are exceptions, of course. Occasionally, I’ll dialogue with a spouse who is being told that they are no longer loved. But that’s a rarer occurrence than the couple who still love and respect one another but find themselves in a marriage that has changed.

If the feelings are clear and he’s still reluctant, then there are probably additional issues. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be extremely encouraged to know that he still has loving feelings for you. Because you have something to work with. You can build on this. Believe me, the wives with husbands claiming not to love them at all have a much steeper uphill battle.

No situation is impossible, but having a separated husband who admits he still cares is an advantage.

It’s Early In The Process And Improvement Isn’t Quite Enough For Him Just Yet: Many separated husbands move more slowly than we would like. But this doesn’t mean that they will never come around. Think about it for a second. Initiating a separation is a substantial life change. So, reversing course is not something that everyone is going to take likely. Your husband may be acknowledging progress, but this won’t always mean that he’s ready to return to normal married life. Most people are fully aware of how hard it would be to come back from a second separation. So most people want to make absolutely sure that you’re ready to reconcile because no one wants the reconciliation to fail. That doesn’t mean that a reconciliation isn’t in your future. But it may mean that he’s just not ready yet.

The Reason For The Separation Isn’t About You. It’s About Him: It is not unusual for people to reach a point in their life when they feel a bit disappointed in how things are turning out. Sometimes, this is due to their job, their accomplishments, their level of satisfaction, or even their mental or physical health. However, we can’t always pinpoint why, exactly, we are unhappy or dissatisfied. So we guess. Or we blame who is convenient – which are those people who are closest to us. Or we try to cut the things around us which we suspect may be to blame (like our marriage.)

Sometimes, our dissatisfaction has nothing to do with others. It has everything to do with ourselves. So we can make all these life changes and find that we are still unhappy since we haven’t addressed the true problem – ourselves. Your husband may intuitively know that his feelings for you aren’t the problem. But he may not yet realize how much of his discontent is personal.

How To Best Navigate This Contradiction: I know how tempting it is to want to pressure him to come home right now. After all, he still loves and cares for you. What is the problem? Why is he dragging his feet? He needs to get with the program right away and stop wasting all of this time!

Here’s the thing, though. Men who are reluctant to move forward don’t react well to pressure. They’ll often begin to distance themselves, so you’ll find that your easy rapport is now challenged. Or worse, he’ll start to actually doubt the feelings for you that he’s just confirmed. Simply put, my mistakes during my own separation taught me that pressuring your husband this way is not worth the risk.

Instead, I suggest that you stay the course, with some caveats. I know that this is frustrating and it’s hard to be patient. But you have a huge advantage. Your husband has admitted that he cares for you. So many wives can’t claim this.

Now you just have to build on these feelings and address the issues which are keeping him from moving forward. And sometimes, this happens naturally in time. Other times, you’ll need to consciously identify and then address what still separates you. But both of these things are doable. And they are much better than dealing with a separated husband who is claiming to not love you at all.

I am proof that patience can be as important as any other variable.  No one wanted to save my marriage more than myself.  But I had to learn that I couldn’t dictate the timeframe.  And I eventually did get my reconciliation, so any delay was worth it.  That entire story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin