Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are quite torn as to what to think about how their separation is evolving. They are often seeing some improvement, but this has taken so long to happen that they hesitate to get their hopes up. They want to believe in the process and have faith that their spouse may soon be coming home or that the separation might be coming to an end. But they don’t want to have their heart broken if this doesn’t happen. And they don’t want to do anything to apply pressure to the situation in the fear or negating the hard fought progress that they are already seeing.

You might hear a comment like: “for the first couple of weeks of our separation, it was pretty obvious that my husband was liking his freedom. He would resist my calls. He would never attempt to see me. And if I would get up my nerve and ask him if he missed me, then I would get a luke warm response. Well, for the last three weeks, I have finally started to see some improvements. Lately, he is taking the initiative to call me. He has started talking about memories that he had of our marriage (and they are finally good ones.) And he has started to let some sweet comments slip out. My question is does this mean he might finally come home?” Because at this point, that is really all I want him my life. I don’t care about anything else. I feel that if I can just get him home, then I can worry at that point about solving our problems. But I feel like our marriage is so vulnerable when he’s away. I worry that he might meet someone else or get into the habit of going out. Do you think that he might finally going to be coming home?”

I wish that I could see into the future and offer some reassurance but I can’t. I can, however, tell you that seeing this sort of shift can be a very good sign. They key is to straddle the fine line of playing this correctly while not pushing too hard. Your husband may have some doubts and may want to move slowly in order to have the reassurance that the improvement that he feels is real. So the worst thing that you can do is to immediately get all excited and talk about or start pushing for him to come home right away. Because quite frankly, you don’t want for him to come home if he still has doubts or if there is a chance that it is not going to work out.

If you push before he is ready, then you are setting yourself up for him to leave again in the future when both of you are disappointed with how things proceed once he comes home. So below, I’ll offer some tips on how to ensure that when he does come home, you have the highest chance that your marriage actually improves so much that you don’t have to worry about him leaving again, because it’s really no fun to always have that sense of dread wondering that he might not actually want to be with you.

Try To Build On The Positive Things That Are Happening And Realize That It’s Best If He Is The One Who Mentions Coming Home: I know how tempting it is to want him to come home the second that you start to see some positive behavior. But there is a real risk involved in this strategy. Some of the time, this can cause a husband to back away because he’s just not yet ready to take that leap, especially since you’re only just starting to see some improvement. Instead, I think it’s smart to try to enjoy the process for a while. Continue on with what you are doing because there is a chance that the improvement is due to whatever strategy you are using now (especially if you saw improvement after trying something new.)

Try to make the whole process fun and effortless for both of you. It’s important that you try to be laid back about this process because you don’t want for it to feel forced or awkward. If it does, your husband may doubt if it is legitimate or sincere. Try to create low pressure situations where you can bond and have fun.

Be Careful To Gauge Whether Your Relationship Is Ready To Work Through Your Problems: Now, while it is important for the two of you to eventually work out your problems, sometimes you have to wait until your relationship can tolerate this. Sometimes, you have to stop if you notice your husband getting defensive or if you feel resistance. At the same time, if you notice that you’re able to discuss your issues or problems without great difficulty and you’re seeing compromise and change that is bringing you closer, then that’s a good sign that you can continue. It will only be to your benefit to try to improve things before or as he’s coming home. But if you notice tension or that this is negating the progress that you have already made, then it is better to wait until things are more solid between you.

But to answer the question posed, although these are all very good signs, you can’t predict if your husband will immediately be coming home. And you are better off just adding to the progress that you have already made and wait for him to bring up or request coming home instead of applying pressure.

As hard as it was, I knew that my best case scenario was if my husband was the one who brought up coming home.  This was an excruciating wait at times.  But when he did come home, I knew that it was because he really wanted to and this felt wonderful.  It if helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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