Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I’ve heard from a few people who have referred to their separated spouse as “prodigal.” This reference gave me pause, as I’ve heard it used to describe children (as in a “prodigal son,”) but not a spouse.

Still, it can make sense. In the classic Biblical parable, the prodigal son leaves the family to pursue a life of extravagance and pleasure, only to return home later, realizing his mistake. When he does, his father does not scorn him but instead welcomes him home. (Forgive me for this very simplified version of the parable. It can be fully read in the fifteenth chapter of the Gospel of Luke.)

But in a broad sense, one could see how it would be hopeful to see one’s spouse or marital separation in this way since there would be hope that the spouse would eventually realize his mistake and return home.)

I can certainly comment about how you might attempt to increase the chances of a spouse returning home to forgiveness and understanding. But I won’t be focusing on the religious implications of this topic, as I’m by no means an expert and others are much more qualified. Instead, I’ll offer some general insights that I will hope will help anyone going through this, as I know how painful it is.

Here is the type of comment I might hear: “my prodigal spouse decided that he wanted a break from our family life. His decision was very shocking and hurtful. We’d always been committed to our life together and to our children, family, and community. However, in the last few years, I began to feel my husband’s commitment to us wavering. He began to pursue his own interests – outside of our family. He said he needed more fun in his life. I tried to be understanding, and to tell myself that everyone needs something for themselves. But I had a bad feeling about his new attitude. Turns out that I was right. A few months ago, he announced that he wanted a marital separation. He said he just needed to sort himself out. I’d agree about that because he is no longer the person he once was, but I certainly don’t agree that he needs to leave our family. Still, he clearly wasn’t going to change his mind, so I told myself that he would likely miss our stable life and return home quickly. That hasn’t happened. He actually seems perfectly content to be away from his committed and moral lifestyle. He seems to be enjoying the fun he so badly wanted. I keep telling myself that prodigals return home, but I’m not sure why he would be motivated to do so when he seems to be having the time of his life. Will he ever come home?”

I can’t see into the future, but I can tell you that many husbands in this situation eventually come home. However, I think that there is an advantage to not just leaving this to chance. I believe that there are some things that you can do to make this process a bit more productive and increase the chances of an eventual healthy and happy reconciliation.

Investing In Yourself Is Never A Bad Idea: Many wives in this situation feel that if they wait patiently, their husbands will eventually come around. This is possible. But I’d argue that if you can make some investments while waiting, that would be time well spent.

A marital separation is often a scary and painful process. Rather than sitting around and feeling the full force of those feelings, ask yourself what you can do to support and empower yourself. You likely have more time to pursue enjoyable activities that will not only help pass the time, but help you to grow and improve. Only you know what you’d find enjoyable, but exercise, time with loved ones and community, learning new things, pursuing fulfilling hobbies, and journaling are all viable options.

If you can have fun doing these things, even better. Not only will that lift your spirits, but it may show your husband that he doesn’t need to leave family life to pursue fun with you.

Patience Is A Virtue, But Progress Helps Too: Many wives in this situation know that patience is vitally important. Unfortunately, we can’t always control when our spouse will realize that we weren’t necessarily the problem. Sometimes, we have to wait longer than we would like.

But that doesn’t mean that we just have to wait passively. Ask yourself if there is anything that you can do to improve the situation yourself. What can you control?

I know that this may seem like a crazy idea at first. Some wives have husbands who are unavailable or unwilling to go to counseling, or to even talk about the marriage. They think they’re too busy enjoying their new life. What can you possibly do in this situation?

You can hold your head high. You can conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. When you feel yourself giving in to pessimism or despair, you can call on those people who love you, have your back, and will lift you up. You can pursue individual counseling if this appeals to you.

Ask yourself what small, painless changes you could make to like or empower yourself a little more. What would make you a better individual, parent, spouse, or partner?

When I did this exercise during my own separation, I had to be honest and admit that I can be judgmental. I hold others to the same standards I set for myself, which isn’t always fair. And when I get judgmental, I get condescending, which hurts my relationships. I also talk more and listen less. So I learned that when I begin to feel judgmental, I should pause before I speak. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, I instead wait and try to put myself in the other person’s shoes. This has made me a much more compassionate person, and a whole lot nicer to be around.

When I addressed this, it greatly improved my relationships and even my opinion of myself. (And we did eventually reconcile). I believe that everyone has small issues that, if tweaked just a little, can result in huge improvements.

If you can identify something that you can do that might one day help your marriage, give yourself permission to do it.

I know that you may be thinking something like, “I see what you are saying, but I can promise you that my husband isn’t making any changes. He’s having fun and living life exactly as he sees fit. Why do I have to be the one to change?”

My answer is simple. Because you are the only one that you can control right now. And because positive change benefits you also. Positive changes create momentum that seeps into other areas of your life so that the improvements multiply and hopefully, are noticed by your spouse so that he’ll make his own changes.

I can’t tell you when or if he’s coming back. But I can tell you that supporting your own health and growth is almost never the wrong call. In the end, stronger individuals make a stronger marriage or reconciliation. It may appear that your spouse is having fun and not giving his marriage a second thought, but you don’t know this for sure.

So it makes sense to strengthen yourself so that, when the time comes and he’s open to coming back, you are in a better place and ready and able to get to work.

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