Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are determined to still hold out hope for their marriage, even in the face of a marital separation. This isn’t as easy as you might think. People sometimes think that holding onto hope is as easy as telling yourself that this is all mind over matter.  The assumption is that if you are successful with this, then you won’t have any doubts about your decision.  I can tell you from my own experience that this is not true. Very often, you have to fight very hard to keep that hope alive. Sure, you have doubts. You wouldn’t be an observant and reasoning human being if you did not. You see and hear what is going on around you. But you chose to process it in such a way that allows for things to remain open ended. You realize that things might not work out in the way that you wanted, but you’re not willing to just concede defeat quite yet.

This is a huge challenge. There may even be times where you actually try to accept that your marriage is over and you find that you can not do it. There’s even more challenges when well meaning family members who you know and love you weigh in with their own opinions.

A wife might complain: “yesterday, my mother told me that she had something very important to discuss with me. She acted all serious about this. So we sat down and she told me that, because she loved me, she felt the need to tell me that she can’t stand to see me having wasted hope on my marriage. I have been separated from my husband for seven months. During that time, we have had some good weeks and some bad weeks. Lately, we have had more bad weeks. But I haven’t lost hope. My husband hasn’t filed for divorce and he hasn’t talked about doing so. My theory is as long as we are talking and we are not divorced, then there is still hope. My mother says that I am wrong about this. She says that I need to accept that he is never coming back. I asked her what she was basing her opinion on. And she said that it is just taking too long and that if a man wanted to come back to his wife, he would have already done it. Now, I have to add that my mother has not spoken with or seen my husband since our separation. She has not seen us together. All she knows about us is what I tell her. I know that she loves me. And I know that she knows me better than anyone else. It hurts me so badly that she has come to this conclusion. Part of me feels defensive. She doesn’t really have all of the information. And part of me worries that maybe she knows something that I don’t.”

I know that this is painful. And I know that you don’t want to be angry at your mother. But I have been there. My parents and my friends encouraged me to give up on my marriage. And they loved my husband. They wanted it to work out between us. But after he left and they saw how broken hearted I was waiting for a resolution, they just wanted for this to end for me so that I could begin to recover. And that is when they started telling me that maybe it was time to walk away.

I went back and forth between being angry at them and admitting that they had my best interest at heart. But in the end, I decided that it was no one’s decision but my own. Because as much as my family and friends were invested in my marriage, it wasn’t anyone’s marriage but my own.

I did ultimately save my marriage. But after many conversations and much soul searching, I did modify my strategy to try to get my husband back. Instead of clinging so tightly, I chose to back away somewhat. I still held onto my hope. But I didn’t evaluate it day by day. I just told myself that I would wait and see but in the meantime, I started to focus on myself.

And I understood that part of what my family and friends were saying didn’t have everything to do with my marriage. It was just that they saw me losing myself. And they were absolutely right about this. That was insight that was very useful to me. And it changed the outcome dramatically. I am very grateful that they cared enough to point this out to me. And that was the start of my making myself a very high priority. I started to value myself as much as I valued my marriage and my husband. I started asking myself what I wanted and needed out of the whole thing, which was a question that I had never asked before.

That is why I wouldn’t come down too harshly on your loved ones. In their minds, they are acting out of love and they are trying to help. But they don’t know your marriage. They can not see into the future. And it is not up to them what you do in terms of your marriage or how much hope you still chose to have.

Countless people suggested that I needed to give up my marriage.  But I knew that my husband was a good person.  I knew that we were good together.  And I knew that as long as we were both still walking the earth, there was a chance.  Ultimately, this was the right call because we are still together today.   If you’d like to read more, feel free to check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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