Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Some of us who have husbands who are unhappy in our marriages are somewhat lucky.  That may sound like a contradiction in terms.  But with unhappy husbands, it can go one of two ways.  You either have a husband who decides that he will work on the marriage or that he will not.  Even if the husband who agrees to work on the marriage is reluctant about it, at least you have his agreement. Many husbands take a while to determine which side of the fence that they are on.

Being separated is no fun in either case.  But at least if your husband is willing to work on the marriage, there is hope that this is only a temporary situation. Unfortunately, some husbands choose to work on the marriage in unorthodox ways.  Some will determine that they need to move out or date other people in order to see how they truly feel about their marriages.

Here’s a typical scenario.  A wife might say: “To be fair, I have known for the last year that my husband has been unhappy and hasn’t  been fully committed to our marriage.  And all along, I have been on a crusade to get him to commit to working on things between us.  We have been together for so long and have been through so much, that I feel like if we just put our heads together, we can work this out.    Last week he came to me and announced that he has decided that he will agree to work on our marriage, but of course, there is one catch.  Imagine my shock when he announced that he would be moving out.  I asked him how in the world is moving out working on our marriage?  He said that he feels that he needs to move out in order to get perspective and in order to ‘see where we stand.’  I find this absolutely ridiculous.  To me, working on your marriage, is having the maturity to stay put, get down to work, and bond closer together.  He obviously sees things completely differently and feels that it’s fine to run away in order to gain perspective.  I am unsure of his motivations and in his sincerity.  I feel like he’s trying to ease me into a divorce, and quite frankly, he probably has no intention of working on our marriage at all.  So far, he’s found an apartment and asked me to consider a schedule for us to talk and to get together while we are living apart, but I don’t trust any of this.”

I can certainly understand your hesitation. Moving out as a way to try to save your marriage is not the way that every couple will attempt to do it.  This is seen as a sort of unconventional approach.  But some people do try it.  And in some cases, it works.  Many couples will tell you that they needed some distance in order to change their perspective.  Often, living under the same roof creates some conflict and some problems with objectively and in evaluating the situation when you are so close to it.

Granted, moving out can seem a little over the top and hard core, but some folks believe that this is what needs to happen.  And this does not always mean that you are going to eventually get a divorce.

My husband moved out and, even worse, he made no claims about being committed to saving the marriage, unlike the case here.  Nor would my husband make any promises about regularly talking to or seeing one another.  I know that your husband moving out is not a fun idea and an even worse reality.  But the fact that your husband is making an effort to put a plan in place is a good sign.  I know that you would rather he not move out, (and you can certainly try to convince him that you would give him his own space in your home if he will stay put.) This compromise sometimes works.

But if he still refuses and insists on getting his own space for a while, sometimes you have to just work with what you have.  Sometimes you have to make lemonade out of lemons.  There are times when the space and distance actually end up working for you when you finally stop fighting against them and just ease into it.  I never believed that this was possible in my own case, but once I decided to stop fighting the separation and to start just trying to make things less dramatic and more cooperative, things changed for the better.

I tended to panic and react badly in the early stages of my separation.  This actually made a divorce, my absolute worst fear, more likely.  It wasn’t until I was faced with that reality that I decided to back away a little and to work on myself to determine what I truly wanted and who I really was as an individual.  This shift was welcome by my husband because it took off some of the pressure, and it was the start of a turning point in our marriage.

The point I’m trying to make is that it is possible to work on your marriage while living under different roofs.  It is scary at times and it can feel as if it is not the ideal.  But many couples look back on it as merely a temporary rough patch because when it is over, they are still very much together and they have weathered the storm.  This was certainly true in my own case. You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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