Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: Having your husband tell you that he wants a divorce or separation is bad enough, but having him tell you that he wants to stay in your home with you throughout the process can add a lot of confusion to the mix. I recently heard from a wife whose husband had just told her that he felt like he wanted out of their marriage.  He indicated that he wasn’t sure if he wanted a separation or a divorce. But, he also said that he didn’t intend to move out of the house until the divorce was final.

The wife said in part: “he sat me down and told me that, although he wasn’t completely sure about his course of action, he was probably going to pursue a separation or divorce.  He stressed that he wasn’t 100% sure about his feelings but he knew that they were indicating that he was no longer sure about the marriage.  However, because he’s still not completely sure how this is all going to be resolved, he wants to continue to live at our house with me while he is sorting this out.  My friends don’t think this is fair.  They say that if he’s going to divorce me or separate from me, then he should be prepared to go find somewhere else to live.  Deep down, I’m not sure that I mind him living here because I don’t want a divorce or a separation.  So having him under the same roof might make getting him back easier.  But my friends say I’m just making it easier for him to take advantage of me and if I have any chance of getting him back that I should play harder to get and this includes not allowing him to stay with me.  So, who is right?  Should I let my husband stay with and live with me even if we’re potentially getting separated or divorced as a strategy to try to get him to change his mind?  Or do I demand that he leave and hope for the best?”

There were many questions and requests for clarification here.  And I think the answers really do depend upon the wife’s objectives, which she had made pretty clear.  I will tell you my take on this in the following article.

Allowing Your Husband To Stay With You In The Beginning Of A Separation Or Divorce Can Gain You Both And Time And Access If You’re Trying To Save Your Marriage: I understood where this woman’s friends were coming from.  My friends had similar concerns when I was trying to save my own marriage.  The concern is that you will be taken advantage of.  By sometimes, you can use this situation to your own advantage.

After all, him still living at home allows you more access to him.  And, in the days and weeks ahead as you implement any strategy to get him back or to make him change his mind, having him there is going to make this process a lot easier.  Because if he’s living under a different roof, then in addition to saying and doing the right things, you’re going to have to also coordinate running into him, finding the appropriate time to call or come by without coming on too strong, and trying to make this all seem natural.  But, if he’s still living with you, then these types of obstacles don’t exist – although plenty of others do.  So, allowing him to live at home can remove at least one obstacle.

Of course, if you don’t want to save your marriage and are prepared to just move on, then having him live with you can delay your progress and slow the inevitable.  If you really don’t care if he eventually divorces you, then there’s obviously less incentive to be generous about sharing your home with him but this is a call that only you can and should make.

Tips For Setting Boundaries And Using The Living Situation To Your Advantage: The wife in this situation knew that her friends meant well.  They just wanted to make sure that the wife wasn’t being taken advantage of.  And this is a very valid concern.  You want to make sure that you’re not allowing your husband unlimited and easy access to married life if his true intention is to end that same married life as soon as it is more convenient to him.

But, that didn’t appear to be the case here.  The husband was honest about not being sure what he was going to or wanted to do.  So there was a little uncertainty that could be used the wife’s advantage.  And the friends were actually right about using the distance to inspire the husband to miss the wife and want her back.  This strategy can and does work, but it is actually somewhat easier if you already have a captive audience that is under your roof.

Frankly, time and distance apart actually saves marriages sometimes.  So if you play your cards right, you can have the best of both worlds in this situation.  That’s why it can be advisable to back off and give your husband some “space” throughout this process.  Don’t cling or hover.   Don’t constantly ask him what he is feeling or thinking or where he is in the process.  Your real goal is to show him the woman he fell in love with while being very careful not to make this obvious.  You want to make it clear that you don’t want a divorce or separation, but you’re still getting on with the business of your life.  Remain positive and receptive to him, but don’t make things so easy for him that he knows that he’s the one pulling all of the strings.

Go out with your friends while giving him that space we’ve talked about.  Come home with a smile on your face and a positive attitude on display.  This doesn’t mean that you should allude or insinuate that you’re having more fun without him, but it’s just human nature to be drawn to people who give off confident, positive vibes with a little mystery thrown in.  What you don’t want to do is make it clear that you’ll stay home and wait while he has his space and makes his decision.  No, instead, you want to live your life and put on a positive display while he makes his decision.

Because doing so makes it much more likely that his decision is going to the one that you’ve been hoping for.  My husband and I tentatively lived under the same roof initially when we were separated, but unfortunately, he eventually moved out and this made things so much more difficult.  Once he moved out, my deteriorating behavior only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake eventually saved my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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