Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many panicked wives are dealing with husbands who have just announced that they want a separation. Many are strongly opposed to allowing the separation to actually take place.

Many wonder what they can do in response to their husband’s insistence that they separate. One may say, for example: “my husband and I have been struggling with our marriage for about four months. He lost his job and is now underemployed. We’ve had to change our lifestyle and this has caused a lot of stress. All along, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t think I’ve been supportive enough. I’ve tried to be, but it’s been hard on me and the kids not knowing if we’ll be able to keep our house or stay in the same school district. Because of all the worry and the fighting, our marriage took a hit. I admit and take responsibility for my part in that. But I don’t think that this should have to mean the end of my marriage. Last night, he told me that we should separate. He said he’d been looking at rooms to rent. I don’t know what he’s thinking because we can barely afford our own house, let alone another room. So now not only do I have to worry about my marriage, but I must worry about how I’ll survive financially on my own should he move forward with a separation and eventually a divorce. What can I do right now when I absolutely do not want a separation?”

Before I give you my opinion, I have to tell you that I am definitely not an attorney. I have no knowledge of legal issues. She was not even sure if her husband was talking about a legal separation or just meant moving out of the house for a while. But, I can offer some tips on how to act and respond to make the separation either less likely or shorter lived. I will share that with you now.

Find Out What He’s Really Wanting To Accomplish (Or Escape) Through The Separation: The wife wasn’t sure what the husband’s main criteria for wanting the separation truly was. She wasn’t sure if he was just trying to escape the fighting, didn’t want the pressure of listening to his family’s worries or was trying to get back at or punish the wife for her perceived lack of support.

I felt that it would be worthwhile to try to determine the root cause of this. Because if she could determine what her husband was trying to escape, and she could then successfully address or solve this issue, she might avoid the separation altogether.

For example, if the husband was sick of the fighting, she might vow that they both communicate better to avoid the hurtful fights. She could take the initiative for counseling or at least find some way to help or educating herself on how to offer more support.

Or, if her husband was responding to low self-esteem and trying to escape his family’s worries because his underemployment made him feel terrible about himself, she might spend some time building him up and stressing how they still had each other, which is what really mattered.  The key here is to try to ease the tension and lighten the load without making it appear that you are only doing this because you don’t want for him to leave or to pursue the separation.

Offering Alternatives To An Actual Marital Or Trial Separation: If the wife tried the above suggestions and the husband still wasn’t receptive, she might offer to give him his own space in their home. If he wasn’t receptive to the in-house separation, then she herself could offer to go and stay with family for a little while so her husband could sort some things out without having to pay for a room in someone else’s house.

I know that leaving your home probably doesn’t sound all that great, but doing so is better than letting him leave and then worrying about whether he will ever come back. If you are the one who leaves, you can control the duration of the separation (at least initially) because you can simply attempt to come home when you think the time is right.

When Nothing Works And Your Husband Insists That You Can Accept A Separation Or Be Served With Divorce Papers: Sometimes, you try to make every compromise and you patiently try to reason with your husband and he just isn’t having any of it. For whatever reason, he’s just not going to be happy until you agree to the separation. Some husbands will even go so far as to tell you that you can choose between a separation or a divorce.

When this happens, there comes a point where it’s better to stop trying to fight him. Once he’s made it clear that he’s not going to change his mind and the separation is absolutely going to happen, then you need to stop trying to prevent the separation and start setting up a reconciliation.

What I mean by this is that there comes a time when it’s clear that you can’t stop him from moving out or from pursuing a separation, so you are better off being agreeable so that you can continue to have access to him during the separation.

At this point, your focus becomes improving your relationship while you are apart. Because if you can ensure that he has positive memories of you while he is gone and he knows that you are trying to help him through his struggles, he will think of you favorably and want to see more of you. This makes a reconciliation much more likely and this access will allow you to slowly begin to rebuild your relationship with an eye on rebuilding your marriage. Because the worst thing that you can do is to have him leave in a huff and then to spend your separation fighting so that things never get better, and that eventually, things will get so bad that he pursues a divorce.

Instead, you want to make sure that things are as pleasant as they can possibly be so that when he comes to see the kids want to interact with you, things just continue to get better and better until you are both receptive to saving your marriage and ending the separation.

Unfortunately, I did not understand these principles when my own husband insisted on a separation.  This made getting back together much more difficult.  We did eventually save our marriage, but not until I completely abandoned my old ineffective strategy and came up with a new one.  If it helps, you can read about what actually worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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