My Husband Wants To Separate. Should I Make Him Move Out?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how to proceed once their husband has announced that he wants a separation. Some still want to save their marriages. But, at the same time, they don’t want to follow a path that is going to lead to a lost cause. And they don’t want to be taken advantage of. This can especially be true when the husband wants to separate but doesn’t appear to be in any real hurry to move out.
A wife might explain: “my husband told me two weeks ago that he wanted to separate. A separation is not what I want and my husband knows it. That might be why he’s hoping to continue to live with me during the separation. He is hoping that I won’t kick him out. This was my house before we got married. In fact, most everything in this house was mine. My friends say if he wants a separation, I should kick him out or at least strongly suggest that he move out promptly. They say that if he isn’t sure about our marriage, then he doesn’t deserve a free place to live. They say if I kick him out and show him how lonely it would be to live on his own, he might stop with all this separation nonsense. I’m afraid of this strategy. My concern is that if I kick him out, he might not come back and he might not have anything to do with me at all. And if we don’t have regular contact, how are we going to get back together? I understand the thinking behind kicking him out and playing hardball, but I’m just not sure if this is the right strategy for me.”
It would appear that this wife was being pulled in many different directions. And since her heart was already broken, she was hurting badly. I actually agreed with her thought process. Many times, getting a husband to come home after he initiates a separation can be quite a challenge. This challenge can be easier if you have regular access to him so that you don’t have to continually play games in order to entice him to allow contact. Things are much easier if you know that you are going to see him regularly.
With that said, I understand that you might feel taken advantage of if you continue to allow him to live in the marital home when he’s no longer sure about the marriage. But the key words in that last sentence are “no longer sure.” I didn’t say he was sure that the marriage was over. Nor did I say he was sure that he wanted a divorce. The very nature of a separation is that it allows you both the time to ponder your marriage and then hopefully make a calm and rational decision about the future of it (since hopefully, you’ve had the distance to ensure that you aren’t making completely emotionally driven decisions.)
A separation isn’t the same as a divorce. While I could certainly understand wanting your husband to move out on the eve of a divorce, I think that it might be premature when you’re only talking about the beginning stages of a separation. If you ask him to move out, it is almost as if you are initiating the separation becoming permanent. And, if you want to save your marriage, then this should be the last thing that you want.
So to answer the question posed, I would have to disagree with this wife’s friend and say that in my experience and observation, it’s not the best idea to ask your husband to move out in the beginning stages of a separation. The reason for this is that having close access to him will make saving your marriage a good bit easier because you will not have to worry about setting things up so that you can interact with him. Nor do you have to deal with the animosity that comes with kicking him out of the house. Finally, by asking him to move, you seem to be moving your relationship toward two individuals living apart rather than one couple living together, which should be your goal if you want to save your marriage.
My husband moved out on his own when we separated and it was very difficult to initiate or get him to accept regular contact. Getting back together was harder and took longer than it should have until I came up with a workable plan and became crafty about implementing it. If it helps, you can read about how this plan worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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