Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from couples who disagree about the timing of their reconciliation. Usually, one spouse is ready far earlier than the other. And this can cause hurt feelings and confusion. Because it’s often not that the reluctant spouse never wants to reconcile. They often do want to – at least eventually. But they’re not ready quite yet and they feel pressure since they don’t want to hurt any one’s feelings or create any misunderstandings. At the same time, something deep down is telling them that it isn’t the best idea to reconcile before they are truly ready because doing so might put the odds of the reconciliation actually succeeding at risk.

An example of a concern in this situation is something like: “my husband moved out about four months ago. It was a mutual decision because our marriage had become somewhat unhappy and unhealthy. We fought all of the time and the fights had started to turn personal. He was under a high degree of stress with his work and he brought that home a lot. It got a point where I would start to become anxious when I was driving home from work because I knew that the atmosphere at home was going to be tense. When I approached my husband about a separation, he admitted that it might benefit him to work on himself and he was very gracious about giving me time. He also has been very respectful during our separation and he has allowed me to set the tone. He says that he loves me and wants for me to be happy and I believe and appreciate that. We have gotten together regularly during our separation and things have gone well. We have communicated very effectively and for the most part we have fun when we get together. I am enjoying this new phase of our relationship and I like flirting with my husband again. The problem is that my husband wants to come home. He says that he thinks our marriage is ready to move forward. Maybe our marriage is ready. But I am not ready. I have enjoyed having this time to myself. And I have been working on myself on a personal level. I feel like I still have some work to do on my own. I am not saying that I don’t want to ever let me husband come back home. I most definitely do. And probably soon. But I am not ready right now. However, I’m not sure how to tell this to my husband without hurting his feelings and without making it sound like a rejection. ”

I understood this wife’s hesitation. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt her husband or to jeopardize the possibility of a future reconciliation. But I believe that she was right to be listening to your gut. If your heart is telling you that you are not ready, then I believe that you are better off honoring this and being honest rather than allowing a spouse to come home even when you know that the time isn’t right. Making your marriage work after a separation can be a challenge even when the timing is perfect. But going into knowing that the timing is off is conceding that you already have something stacked against you. There’s no reason to do this when waiting would likely give you a better result and allow you to be more enthusiastic about the process.

Effectively Communicating This: So how do you clearly communicate this without being hurtful? Well first, I would think that you stress the positive. You have made so much progress. You have seen some wonderful and encouraging changes. And the time apart has made you appreciate your husband and allowed you to see that he is willing to put your needs and your well being first. Second, you may want to offer some compromise. Because at the heart of it, he’s really looking to move forward. Perhaps you’re not ready for him to move back in, but maybe you’re perfectly comfortable with spending weekends together or seeing each other for extended periods of time more often. All of this is important to communicate.

So you may want to say something like: “it’s so encouraging that you want to come home. That makes me see how far we have come. And that touches me deeply. I know that we have both worked hard during this separation and I see a lot of positive signs that make me very hopeful about the future. I do believe that the time will be right for us to live together again soon, but I’m just not ready quite yet. And by that I don’t mean that I don’t want you with me or that our marriage isn’t what I want. What I mean by that is that I still feel that I need a little bit of time to work on myself. I want to be as strong and as healthy as possible so that as an individual I can make our marriage and our partnership as strong as it can possibly be. And for that I just need a little bit more time. I want for our marriage to survive and thrive once you come home so I want for both of us to be as ready as we can possibly be. In the meantime, I’d love to start spending weekends together so that we can sort of ease back into a permanent living situation when the time is right. Does that sound good to you?”

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Feel free to add in whatever words or suggestions that will work best for your marriage. But the key is to say this in such a way that he feels encouraged and so that he understands.

In my own marriage, it was my husband who was not ready to reconcile.  I eventually learned that having patience was so much better than applying pressure.   And so I bided my time until the timing was better.  And this worked.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin