Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from women whose husbands have initiated a separation to try living apart for a while to see if the separation improves their marriage. Often, it is implied that this is only temporary and that at some point in the future, the husband will come home and try to work things out or the couple might decide that the marriage can’t be saved (or that they don’t want to save it) and they may take legal measures like a divorce. Either way, most people get a resolution where the living apart either ends to save the marriage or a divorce ends up being the result of being separated.

But what happens when there is no clear resolution? I recently heard from a wife on my blog whose husband announced that he wanted to continue to live separately and apart from one another for the long term. He even hinted that this might be a permanent solution. The wife said in part: “my husband and I have been separated for about seven months. To be honest, we are now getting along better than we ever have. We see each other at least 3 – 4 times per week and when we are together, we can focus on having fun rather than on things like household chores or the drudgery of day to day life. This keeps things fresh between us and I think we both believe that the romantic aspect of our relationship has greatly improved. This is one reason why I thought that he would eventually move back home. But yesterday he told me that he was leaning toward wanting to live apart full time. He said he’d seen a TV show where the couple were married but lived in separate homes and that, like us, they were very happy. I have to admit that I am happier with our marriage lately. But I always assumed that he would eventually come back home. If I had known that he would want to make the whole living apart thing permanent, I would have never agreed to let him go in the first place. What can I do about this? I don’t want a marriage where I don’t live with my husband. But I feel like if I push it, he’ll just go ahead and get a divorce, which I certainly don’t want because we are actually much happier.”

There Are Very Happy Couples Who Live Apart On A Full Time Or Permanent Basis, But Both People Generally Agree On The Terms: Although this arrangement certainly isn’t the norm, it’s not totally unheard of or uncommon either. Some couples have found that living part really works for them. Usually, they get together regularly and some even have dinner together and interact on a daily basis. They may even stay at each other’s place regularly. But typically, they both like having their own space. Many feel that this offers them the best of both worlds. And although some of their friends and family do not understand their arrangement, it works for them and they don’t particularly care what other people think. Many in this situation tell you that many of the people who criticize their arrangement aren’t nearly as happily married as they are.

With that said, often the couples who are happily living in this situation both completely agree on the terms. So in order for this to work, both people need to be on board and in agreement about what is happening. Because if one person is only participating because they feel as if they really don’t have any other choice, their heart is not really going to be in it and they are not going to be as happy as they probably could or should be. That’s why if one spouse (like the wife in this situation) has reservations or hesitations, it’s important to address and resolve them, which leads me to my next point.

Potential Strategies To Take When Your Husband Wants To Live Apart Full Time: The wife in this situation had some important decisions to make. When she looked forward, she just could not envision continuing to be happy if her husband was not ever going to live with her full time. She felt pretty strongly about this even though she openly admitted that, for now, they were both pretty happy with how things were going.

Considering this, I suggested that she shelf the issue only for right now. Her husband felt equally as strong on his desire to have his own space right now. So since things were immediately not only OK but pretty good, there was probably no need to push so hard that her husband was pushed further away from her and may not be as open and accessible as he was being right now.

Now, there may come a time in the future where she was no longer as happy and she had every right to renegotiate at that time. But, in my opinion, there was no need to thwart her happiness today by dwelling on what she may or may not feel tomorrow. So my suggestion would be to say something to the affect of “I know that you want to live apart on a permanent and full time basis. I’m not ready to commit to that and I am not sure if I ever will be. But, I am happy right now and I know that you are too. Why don’t want just continue on as we are and reevaluate in say, three months from now? Are you willing to do that? Why don’t we talk about this again a little later and see how we are both feelings at the time. Does that work for you?”

Hopefully, the husband would be willing to make this sort of compromise since the wife was giving a little on the issue right now. Perhaps the husband would give a little on the issue in the future. But in my opinion, the couple was happy right now. They could always reevaluate in the future. But for now, I felt it was best not to compromise their tomorrows by worrying about anything more than today. They were doing a great job of saving and strengthening their marriage and they needed to continue on that path rather than placing their sole focus on where they would be living (and with whom) in the very long term future.

My husband and I lived apart for a while we we were separated. I didn’t particularly like this arrangement but it actually ended up strengthening our marriage so that, when I finally talked my husband into saving it, things went a little more smoothly. If it helps, you can read about this whole marriage saving process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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