Leslie Cane Articles

Although no one can really answer this question for you, I hope to give you insights on what has worked for me and others. Through my own experience and research, I’ve developed a theory on what will make a husband stay and what will drive him further away. It is my opinion that “chasing a husband” in an obvious way often backfires. A wife who appears needy, clingy, is trying too hard, and is giving all of her dignity and power away, will often appear less attractive to a husband.

There is a better way. One which will allow you to still lure your husband back without acting in such a way that will bring him closer to the door or influence him to leave sooner. Some may call it game playing or manipulation, but it’s really giving your husband more of what he really wants which allows you to get more of what you really want as well. It’s a complete win-win situation where both husband and wife are much happier in the end.

Please note this article is addressing situations where the husband is worth chasing. In abusive or harmful relationships, sometimes letting him go is the most healthy solution. However, when there have been happy times with considerate actions, and love on at the part of at least one party remains, here is what I feel is the best method to return the love and commitment to your marriage.

Return Feelings Of Love And Affection By Giving Your Husband More Of What He Really Wants (Lure, Not Chase.): In truth, men are pretty easy to figure out. And, you have an advantage in that you probably already know what makes your husband tick. You had this formula mastered so much that your husband married you. In general, men fall in love when their partner makes them feel intelligent, capable, attractive, and powerful.

Note that I didn’t write that you have to look like Jessica Alba. You don’t. How many times have you wondered what in the world a man sees in a plain or unattractive mistress, girlfriend, or wife? The truth is, it’s often not at all about looks (although you should certainly look your best.) It’s about how you make a man feel about himself. Yes, you read that right. It’s about how he feels about himself. It has more to do with the feelings you are able to bring out in him.  Mistresses are masters at this. They know how to make a man feel like he is the center of their world.

Now, I know what you are thinking and you are right.  Your feelings are absolutely valid. You may be thinking “Well, why do I have to do all of the work? He’s not a child who needs my undivided attention.” Of course, you are right. No one can be receptive to their partner’s every whim and maintain their self-respect. I’m not asking you to do that.  Not at all.  I’m asking you to pay attention to both of your needs.

To do that, first, think back to when you were first dating. The amount of time, effort, and intensity you put into the relationship was probably indicative of your closeness and intimacy. You were probably both very happy once upon a time.

And, I’ll bet that when you disagreed, both people got over it quickly and made up without much fanfare. People who are very much in love don’t want to ruin things with petty spats. That’s why you have to return these positive feelings. If both husband and wife are feeling affection and empathy, everything else falls into place so much more easily.

Now, think about what your husband loved about you when you were dating (your sense of humor, your quick wit, the attention you gave him, the fact that you were a good listener, etc. Fill in the blanks.) Now ask yourself how often you show him these qualities today. I’d be willing to bet it is not enough. I know this because we are all guilty of this (husbands too). (I was guilty of this too and it led to my painful separation that seemed like it would never end.) It’s very common. We all have responsibilities and obligations that make this difficult. But, making even small efforts can make a huge difference. I’ll bet your husband will notice that you are trying even if you make small attempts.

What Not To Do: Which Mistakes You Should Avoid When Trying To Get Your Husband To Stay? Panicked Chasing, For One.: First of all, do not panic. Do not beg, promise, argue or debate. Do not act in a way that is going to elicit more negative feelings which will drive your husband further away instead of closer to you.

It’s important that your husband understands that you love him, value his happiness, and are committed to making the marriage work. However, you only need to say this a few times. Don’t follow him around continuing to make promises or act in a way that is not becoming of you to get his attention. This will only make you appear more unattractive and will only confirm his feelings that he wants to leave.

What you want to instead is to show your husband the improved situation, not tell him that it is coming. So, as best you can, display the person he first fell in love with and interact with him in that way. This may be hard at first, but I promise it will quickly eliminate a lot of tension and anger.

He may think something is up or put up a wall. He may be suspicious.  No matter.  Keep right on presenting him with the best version of yourself.

Here’s a very important piece of the puzzle. Make sure that during the times you are not with your husband, you are doing what makes you happy. Yes, you. Simply put, you can not give him what you don’t have. I’m telling you to portray a light-hearted, happy, intriguing person. To be this person, you must fill your reserves. You must do whatever is necessary to put a genuine smile on your face.  This may mean seeing old friends, pursuing old hobbies, or taking something entirely new.

Not only will this make you feel better, but it’s likely to generate a little spousal interest. He may wonder why on earth you are so upbeat (or what or who is making this possible.) That’s ok. Just tell him that you realize you’ve been neglecting both of you and that you love him and yourself enough to focus on happiness.

The situation I want you to create is one where both parties are emitting positive energy and both are happy and fulfilled. As both of you experience more positive emotions, it will be so much easier to interact.

There’s a trick to pulling this off without a hitch, but I am living proof it can be done. If your husband is not receptive to you, you’ll have to take baby steps but the process is the same.

Once your marriage is back where you want it, you can then discuss (and fix) the problems that caused the distance. But, don’t try to do this before you’re back on solid ground or it may make the situation worse before you can make it better.

How did I learn this? Through making a lot of mistakes, research, and trying new things. Eventually, (though commitment and lots of effort), I was to get my husband’s attention, and eventually, his commitment.  It did take some finesse, though. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com