Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I receive a lot of emails from wives who want advice on how to save their marriages and prevent divorce.  One of the more common requests is something like “Help! My husband wants to divorce me, but I don’t want to end the marriage. What can I do to change his mind?” Sometimes, the women who contact me just suspect that their husband wants out because he has been distant, acts like or says he doesn’t love them anymore, or the two have been fighting with more frequency.  Sometimes, the husband has said (sometimes repeatedly) that he flat out wants a divorce and is going to get one. Mainly, these wives are either looking for ways to buy some time before the husband files the paperwork, and/or they want to bring back the warmth, intimacy, and feelings of closeness that the marriage is missing.  This article will discuss some things that you should (and should not) do if you are trying to stop your husband from divorcing you or want to bring back the love and closeness in your marriage.

Don’t Do Things That Will Drive Him Further Away (And I’m Talking About Both Negative And Overly-Positive Behavior): You mustn’t let your worry and panic drive you to do things that would make the divorce more likely.  Many wives will try to “make” or “get” their husbands to change their minds.  They do this by nagging, or trying to make their husbands feel guilty, or by arguing and debating.

Sometimes, they will take the opposite strategy and try to “nice” their husbands to death. They become what I like to call a “yes honey” wife.  Anything he wants has to be A-OK with you – because the power of the relationship has shifted.  Since he wants the divorce, he’s the one who’s calling all the shots and you’re just the one who’s going along for the ride.  But, how much is he really going to respect you if you act this way?  You can’t have a truly solid and reciprocal marriage if you’re not both on equal footing.

In short, neither of these tactics are successful for the long term health of your marriage. They will only make your husband feel more distant from you, really.  Just for a second, think honestly about how these things or tactics are really going to turn out.  Do you think that, after you’ve been communicating to your husband why he is wrong, selfish, or mistaken, that he’s going to turn to you and say “You know what? You’re right.  I’ve just changed my mind.”  Of course, he’s not. Instead, he’s going to tune you out and carry on just to prove you wrong. So, what should you do instead?

Tell Him He’s Right (Before You Think This Is Crazy Advice, Read On): When I say that you should agree with your husband or tell him that he’s right, I don’t mean that you should agree to a divorce.  I would never advise you to do that.  Always be clear that you love your husband very much and value your marriage above everything else.  But, your main goal at the beginning of this process should be to validate your husband’s feelings.  As your husband’s wife, doesn’t his happiness matter greatly to you?  Of course it does.  You need to communicate this to your husband.  You should look him right in the eye (and hold his hand if he will let you) and agree that you too have felt a troubling distance in the marriage and you agree that things are not as good as they should be between you.  Tell your husband that his happiness and the relationship between you is very important and that, no matter what, you want to preserve the good feelings between you and will be working on this from this moment forward.

If you play your cards right here, this conversation should help to ease some of the tension.  Your husband may not believe you at first but he will probably be very relieved that you’re going to tone down the debate, disagreements, mind-changing tactics or fighting.  Hopefully, he will realize that he no longer has to avoid you or block you out.

Walk In Your Husband’s Shoes. See Life Through His Eyes: One exercise that I find really helpful in encouraging your husband to change his mind about a divorce is that you step into your husband’s mind and line of sight. What I mean by this is that you look at yourself through his eyes.  Now, I know you may be thinking this is silly and pointless, but please bear with me.

For one full day, I’d like you to see your actions, appearance, and attitude through your husband’s eyes.  And, don’t change how you act to skew the results.  Act how you typically would on any regular day. When I did this exercise, I was shocked at what I saw. I saw a tired, preoccupied woman who rolled her eyes and never touched her husband in an affectionate way FOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY.  Rarely was there a smile on my face.  Never did I ask my husband about his day, his feelings, or his experiences.  Not once did I go out of my way to make things better for him, lighten his load, or even give him the encouraging smile, nod or sympathetic glance which I regularly offer to complete strangers. This was my husband here and I was treating him worse than strangers on a bus.

Yes, at this time there was a strain in my marriage and there were times when he wasn’t acting very kindly to me either, but if the truth is known, my marriage had been suffering neglect for a long time and the signs were there.  I was ignoring them and was responding with becoming a woman who I wouldn’t want to be married to either.

Two wrongs do not make a right.  Take the high ground and act like the kind, open-hearted, loving women you know yourself to be – deep down – before this marriage disappointed you, before the distance happened, before any of this divorce business came to light.

Because, once upon a time, your husband loved you so much that he married you.  The woman he fell in love with is still there.  Look in the mirror and you’ll see her staring back at you.  Has the light and excitement in her eyes dulled or faded?  If so, getting her back is really up to you. Open your heart, clear your mind, and get moving!

When I was trying to change my own husband’s mind about divorcing me, he probably got whiplash from my changing strategies.  I was both a yes-wife and a nag.  I finally found a strategy that worked though. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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