Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives intuitively know that they are going to have to craft a certain image or a perception of themselves (and of their marriage) during their separation. Very often, they do not want the separation, but they know that they are treading on thin ice. Because their husband has asked for time apart, space, or distance. Many of these wives have read or heard that they should play hard to get or use some variation on the “no contact” rule to create a perception of scarcity.  The hope is that suddenly their husband will become interested again. That’s why many of these wives will hesitate when their husband insinuates that he wants to “remain friendly” during the separation.

One might say, “my husband initiated a separation that is going to start next weekend. I assumed that he would want to keep his distance since he is the one who wanted his space. However, last night he told me that he hopes that we can remain ‘close’ and ‘friendly.’ Now, to be very honest, I don’t know how sincere this is. He could be trying to make me think that things will be okay when in reality he is going to pull away. I’m trying to prepare myself for this possibility.  Many of my friends have suggested just letting him be and doing some form of ‘no contact’ so that he will see what he is missing. So I am wondering if I should push back and tell my husband that no, we can’t necessarily be close or friendly since he is the one who insisted on a separation. Perhaps this will teach him a lesson about taking our marriage (and me) for granted. What is the right call here?”

Why Sometimes, “No Contact” Means No Choice: I can only tell you my opinion, although I did very temporarily use “no contact,” I did so because I literally had no choice. My husband was avoiding me and if I had pushed, we would probably be divorced. I can tell you that I fully believe that you are going to need regular access to your husband in order to reconcile effectively. Sure, you can sit and wait until he hopefully changes his mind and comes crawling back. But, sooner or later, you are going to have to work with him and roll up your sleeves to actually fix what is broken because you want your reconciliation – and your marriage – to last. (This is going to be difficult if you alienate him by denying his attempt at an olive branch.)

Why There’s A Workable Compromise: I also believe that you can STILL create a sense of scarcity while remaining friendly. I firmly advocate having regular times to communicate (and even see) your spouse if he will agree to this. The reason is that without this, couples tend to drift apart and assume the worst of one another. It is much more likely for your separation to go south if you rarely see one another.

You don’t necessarily need to work through your entire marriage during this communication. In fact, you shouldn’t attempt it, at least in my opinion. In the beginning, you are only trying to maintain contact, have lighthearted banter, and look forward to touching base with one another. This will often feel better than fighting or conflict, so people tend to use this shift to begin to think favorably about their spouse and their marriage again.

What Encourages Shifting Perceptions:  Wives who want to save their marriage desperately need for a husband to shift his perceptions so that he is eventually open to you again.  How likely do you think this will be if you are somewhat combative to him and are forcing no contact or making yourself unavailable?  I get the draw of no contact because I used it.  But the situations are different.  I had already driven my husband away by being needy.  He WAS NOT wanting to be friendly to me at this time.  However, in this situation, this wife has a husband who seems to be open to maintaining a good relationship.  In my opinion, it is in your best interest to see if he will make good on this.  Perhaps he won’t.  By why not give him that chance?  Maintaining a good relationship is the gold standard during your separation and it makes a reconciliation much more likely.

This doesn’t mean that you have to be over accommodating or that you can’t create a sense of mystery and scarcity.  You can still do both of these things AND be cordial and friendly.  Again, everyone will have a different opinion on this.  But I think that you should start out as positively as you can.  If circumstances change or deteriorate, then you can certainly change your strategy.  But many wives desperately hope for a better relationship with their separated husband.  They would love to be friendly.  I just don’t see a downside to giving it a try and then re-evaluating if you need to.  You always want to give the impression that you are trying to work with your husband to improve your situation in the hopes of reconciling.  Refusing a friendly relationship runs counter to this.  Being friendly doesn’t mean that you can’t do your own thing and sometimes be legitimately unavailable.  But I would not force “no contact” on a husband who is being open to you.

Believe me, no contact was the last resort for me and it was not at all fun.  In fact, it was downright painful and very challenging.  Yes, it worked, but life would have been much easier if we had started out friendly.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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